Tomorrow embarks a new beginning. Harleigh will leave kindergarten and Caleb will leave preschool...wow! They are thrilled to be moving up and Caleb can't wait to go to the same school as his big sister! For now, they will have a very busy summer. Next week, they will go on an adventure to the mountains with their Grammie and Pa. It will be GREAT for them...I will be here, working, ho hum. Then the next week, they will be with their dad for the week, and I can guess they will probably be fishing (which they love). And...after that, they start summer camp at the Fayette YMCA.
Sooooo, mountains, dads and YMCA...wow. A FULL SUMMER! They are such amazing kids and I am so proud of them. Constant growing and learning and they make me proud EVERYDAY! I will miss them for the nearly 2 weeks they are gone, but their summer is going to be tons of fun...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
surgery day
Tomorrow morning, Pizzle is having surgery to remove his Adenoids, FINALLY! um, no, I am not enjoying the fact that he is having surgery, BUT I am looking forward to him sleeping during the night. Right now, he wakes up at least once or twice every night. He doesn't breathe through his nose AT ALL. There is also some tissue the is in between his adenoids and nasal cavities that is too large. It is pretty much blocking him from using his nose. Snoring, for him, is normal.
It has taken nearly 4 months to get this surgery together. From insurance to doctor's scheduling, it seemed forever. BUT, tomorrow will start the new life of pure sleeping for him.
I get to go back there with him til he falls asleep, thankfully! He just thinks he is going to the doctor, he has no clue what is happening. How do you explain 'surgery' to a 2 year old? you can't! My precious little boy...Thank you, Lord for insurance (real insurance) to allow us to be the healthiest we can! He has been covered in prayer, so I am not concerned, at all!
It has taken nearly 4 months to get this surgery together. From insurance to doctor's scheduling, it seemed forever. BUT, tomorrow will start the new life of pure sleeping for him.
I get to go back there with him til he falls asleep, thankfully! He just thinks he is going to the doctor, he has no clue what is happening. How do you explain 'surgery' to a 2 year old? you can't! My precious little boy...Thank you, Lord for insurance (real insurance) to allow us to be the healthiest we can! He has been covered in prayer, so I am not concerned, at all!
Friday, May 22, 2009
school days
School is big in our family. Harleigh is graduating to first grade!! WHAT!?!?! Caleb is graduating to kindergarten!! WHAT!!?!? At least I have one child that isn't running away yet...but he is potty training and telling us that he is 'a big boy'! I am so proud of my kids...of our life together!
I will graduate from Ashford University with a Bachelor's Degree in Sociology approximately June 6, 2009. I can't believe it! I am going to actually graduate from college. That 10 year break flew by...ha, yea right. I am currently taking Psych 202 and will finish in 2 weeks and start taking Sociology 101. The only downfall is ordering my books. It is more expensive than getting my hair done...shoot, it is more expensive than if we all got our hair done!
BUT...when it is all said and done, I will be a college graduate. The kicker is to definetly make sure I graduate before my kids!
I will graduate from Ashford University with a Bachelor's Degree in Sociology approximately June 6, 2009. I can't believe it! I am going to actually graduate from college. That 10 year break flew by...ha, yea right. I am currently taking Psych 202 and will finish in 2 weeks and start taking Sociology 101. The only downfall is ordering my books. It is more expensive than getting my hair done...shoot, it is more expensive than if we all got our hair done!
BUT...when it is all said and done, I will be a college graduate. The kicker is to definetly make sure I graduate before my kids!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
My first Psych mini-paper!
Psychoanalytic Theory - a theory based on the idea that development stems from the internal drive reacting to experiences in infacy and childhood. Both Freud and Erikson believed that the relationship between infant and caregiver played a large part on development through adulthood. However, Freud focused more on the idea that development is more like a chain reaction. The body makes a demand which leads to actions to achieve the satisfaction of that demand but becomes more complex if the 'superego' is unable to rationalize the need for that demand to be fulfilled. Erikson, although he agreed with Freud on some levels, believed that life is more in stages than a chain reaction. For a person to truly be healthy, he must achieve success within each stage by facing certain crises and being able to overcome them. For instance, an infant quickly learns wether to place trust in his caregiver or if mistrust develops it plays a large role in how he achieves success in the later stages.
Learning Theory - the theory that our behavior is conditioned by 'operant conditioning' or through 'observational learning'. A certain behavior can either be encouraged by reinforcement or even extinguished by ignoring it. For instance, while driving my children to school I can either get frustrated and argue with them because of their continued fussing, or I can ignore it and they notice that it has not gained my attention and therefore, they move on to get my focus another way. If I argue with them and give them attention then they will most likely continue to fuss the next morning because they got a response out of me, positive or negative. If I ignore them, they are forced to change their behavior and thus the fussing is now extinguished, meaning they are less likely to do it again tomorrow.
Cognitive Theory - the theory that our image of the world develops from our mind processing the why's and how's of certain circumstances. We use our thinking to determine the cause and effect. We learn to 'accomidate' ourselves to the world around us based on previous experiences. A child often learns a hot stove is not to be touched by infact touching it. My 3 year old son did not listen to my instruction to stay away from the stove because it was hot and instead wanted to understand what I meant. He placed his hand flat on the burner for only a moment and burnt his hand severly. His cognitive resolution is to never touch the stove again. He learned through experience and used his mind to determine how to protect himself in the future. He not only learned to not touch the stove, but learned the meaning of 'hot' and how to prevent future burns. One incident caused him to stay far away from things that are hot and that listening to my advice infact does benefit him.
Erik Erikson
Erikson described life in stages and that through each stage the person must face and successfully navigate through certain crises. For instance, the middle adulthood crisis is "Generativity versus stagnation". I wake up everyday in that exact stage. I am a single mom of three small children and I have a choice to make eachday. I can better myself by helping develop the lives of my children to be successful adults or I can view my life without purpose and push them furthur from having a healthy adulthood. Truly, eachday is a challenge. I wake up before the sun and get ready, get the kids up and ready for school, go to work, get off work and pick them up, go to their afternoon activities, home to eat dinner, get them ready for bed and then, now, I have added additional hours to my day by studying. I could allow my life to become so mundane and self-absorbed that I am no benefit to my children, or I can realize that as I continue to grow, it is infact pushing them toward a lifestyle of never giving up. I am serving the next generation by raising healthy, successful adults that will continue the cycle and one day raise healthy, successful adults.
Learning Theory - the theory that our behavior is conditioned by 'operant conditioning' or through 'observational learning'. A certain behavior can either be encouraged by reinforcement or even extinguished by ignoring it. For instance, while driving my children to school I can either get frustrated and argue with them because of their continued fussing, or I can ignore it and they notice that it has not gained my attention and therefore, they move on to get my focus another way. If I argue with them and give them attention then they will most likely continue to fuss the next morning because they got a response out of me, positive or negative. If I ignore them, they are forced to change their behavior and thus the fussing is now extinguished, meaning they are less likely to do it again tomorrow.
Cognitive Theory - the theory that our image of the world develops from our mind processing the why's and how's of certain circumstances. We use our thinking to determine the cause and effect. We learn to 'accomidate' ourselves to the world around us based on previous experiences. A child often learns a hot stove is not to be touched by infact touching it. My 3 year old son did not listen to my instruction to stay away from the stove because it was hot and instead wanted to understand what I meant. He placed his hand flat on the burner for only a moment and burnt his hand severly. His cognitive resolution is to never touch the stove again. He learned through experience and used his mind to determine how to protect himself in the future. He not only learned to not touch the stove, but learned the meaning of 'hot' and how to prevent future burns. One incident caused him to stay far away from things that are hot and that listening to my advice infact does benefit him.
Erik Erikson
Erikson described life in stages and that through each stage the person must face and successfully navigate through certain crises. For instance, the middle adulthood crisis is "Generativity versus stagnation". I wake up everyday in that exact stage. I am a single mom of three small children and I have a choice to make eachday. I can better myself by helping develop the lives of my children to be successful adults or I can view my life without purpose and push them furthur from having a healthy adulthood. Truly, eachday is a challenge. I wake up before the sun and get ready, get the kids up and ready for school, go to work, get off work and pick them up, go to their afternoon activities, home to eat dinner, get them ready for bed and then, now, I have added additional hours to my day by studying. I could allow my life to become so mundane and self-absorbed that I am no benefit to my children, or I can realize that as I continue to grow, it is infact pushing them toward a lifestyle of never giving up. I am serving the next generation by raising healthy, successful adults that will continue the cycle and one day raise healthy, successful adults.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
More T-Ball (should now be called pre-ball)
Caleb and Uncle Phil
Caba got the GAME BALL!
Coach signing the game ball! GO CABA! Two doubles that night!
Yep...momma is proud!
Family! gotta love it! Uncle Phil, Harleigh, Grammie, JP, Pa and Dad! and Mom, always behind the camera!
Five...one whole hand!
Happy Birthday, Caba!
At 7:00 PM on April 30, 2004, Caleb Daniel Sutton was born with a hefty scream! What a beautiful baby he was and now such a handsome boy!
Let me share his story...it began with my seizures spiking and was sent to the hospital (not knowing I was pregnant) and was given all the wrong medicines. Later that week, I took a test, and yep, I was with child. At four months, the ultrasound showed that he had cysts on his brain. I remember seeing the picture...his tiny little brain, invaded. The doctor turned to me and suggested that I have an abortion. I didn't hesitate, no way! NOT an option. He then told Caleb's dad and I that the baby would most likely not survive the pregnancy. My body would most likely either have an abrupt abortion on it's own, or he would die shortly after birth. They said he might have Trisomy 18, the fatal form of Down Syndrome. Hal and I sat in the car, after the appointment, and just talked...we decided at that point, to name him Caleb Daniel...for he would fight, we just knew it! We had a strong baby boy, and he would live. At five months, we went back for another ultrasound, and the cysts were gone! God heard our cries and saved him. I love this little boy SO much...he is now 5 years old and strong!
To look at him and know that I could have taken his life, I could have chosen to give up on him...but here he is, PERFECT! I can take the attitude problems, the back-talk, the hysterical piercing laughter, the food fights...all for the kisses and hugs I get from him! He is a passionate little boy with an infectious smile! Thank you, God, for his life...for letting me be his mom! Cheers, to five years of beautiful crazieness!
At 7:00 PM on April 30, 2004, Caleb Daniel Sutton was born with a hefty scream! What a beautiful baby he was and now such a handsome boy!
Let me share his story...it began with my seizures spiking and was sent to the hospital (not knowing I was pregnant) and was given all the wrong medicines. Later that week, I took a test, and yep, I was with child. At four months, the ultrasound showed that he had cysts on his brain. I remember seeing the picture...his tiny little brain, invaded. The doctor turned to me and suggested that I have an abortion. I didn't hesitate, no way! NOT an option. He then told Caleb's dad and I that the baby would most likely not survive the pregnancy. My body would most likely either have an abrupt abortion on it's own, or he would die shortly after birth. They said he might have Trisomy 18, the fatal form of Down Syndrome. Hal and I sat in the car, after the appointment, and just talked...we decided at that point, to name him Caleb Daniel...for he would fight, we just knew it! We had a strong baby boy, and he would live. At five months, we went back for another ultrasound, and the cysts were gone! God heard our cries and saved him. I love this little boy SO much...he is now 5 years old and strong!
To look at him and know that I could have taken his life, I could have chosen to give up on him...but here he is, PERFECT! I can take the attitude problems, the back-talk, the hysterical piercing laughter, the food fights...all for the kisses and hugs I get from him! He is a passionate little boy with an infectious smile! Thank you, God, for his life...for letting me be his mom! Cheers, to five years of beautiful crazieness!
school
Starting school on Tuesday has become that last nerve quivering...I am nervous. I have been looking into this for over a year and now I am two days away from my first class. Part of me is screaming, "HOORAY" but the other part of me is screaming, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?"!
But the motivation of not being the only McFarlin to not graduate college is overwhelming. That status is being terminated!
Psych 202 starts May 5, 2009...not sure what that involves, but I have my books. Books that cost more than any piece of clothing in my closet, plus the shoes to match...and the purse! In fact, the 'guide book' for the University is bigger than both of my school books...!
I was reading a letter from the President of the University the other night and I began to cry...the thought of graduating college, of walking across a platform to be handed a diploma, it was almost overwhelming. I know this is going to be hard, but I can do it...and I will!
But the motivation of not being the only McFarlin to not graduate college is overwhelming. That status is being terminated!
Psych 202 starts May 5, 2009...not sure what that involves, but I have my books. Books that cost more than any piece of clothing in my closet, plus the shoes to match...and the purse! In fact, the 'guide book' for the University is bigger than both of my school books...!
I was reading a letter from the President of the University the other night and I began to cry...the thought of graduating college, of walking across a platform to be handed a diploma, it was almost overwhelming. I know this is going to be hard, but I can do it...and I will!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Goals...big and small!!!!
Okay, let's begin this with a sigh....breathe with me...
Thrilling doesn't begin to cover it. I am overwhelmed, in a good way. I have only had my job for 8 months and am shocked to sit down and realize all that has been done. It doesn't work on paper...and by that I mean, it shouldn't have happened, but it did and it continues. I have paid off $7000 in debt in a little over a year! WOAH! I said it! UH-mazing! This time next year, I anticipate being totally debt free...and yes, I will scream at Dave Ramsey when it happens. well, not 'at' him, but surely on his radio show!!! maybe he will remember me from 2 years ago...single mom, totally engulfed in debt and not an idea of how to get out...AND now. yeah, I am pretty excited!
now, let's share my little goal reached! I purchased a new pair of glasses 3 weeks ago...paid in cash!! I saved up for them and I bought the ones I wanted! ALSO, I did it without vision insurance! I said it...
I still have a ways to go...childcare is inevitable for at least 2 more years; when JP is in school it will be like getting a raise.
I am slowly learning to count my blessings everyday...to make goals (reachable ones) and mark them off! off we go...
Thrilling doesn't begin to cover it. I am overwhelmed, in a good way. I have only had my job for 8 months and am shocked to sit down and realize all that has been done. It doesn't work on paper...and by that I mean, it shouldn't have happened, but it did and it continues. I have paid off $7000 in debt in a little over a year! WOAH! I said it! UH-mazing! This time next year, I anticipate being totally debt free...and yes, I will scream at Dave Ramsey when it happens. well, not 'at' him, but surely on his radio show!!! maybe he will remember me from 2 years ago...single mom, totally engulfed in debt and not an idea of how to get out...AND now. yeah, I am pretty excited!
now, let's share my little goal reached! I purchased a new pair of glasses 3 weeks ago...paid in cash!! I saved up for them and I bought the ones I wanted! ALSO, I did it without vision insurance! I said it...
I still have a ways to go...childcare is inevitable for at least 2 more years; when JP is in school it will be like getting a raise.
I am slowly learning to count my blessings everyday...to make goals (reachable ones) and mark them off! off we go...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Paint on...
This past year has been hard, very hard. I have fought and kicked and even screamed at God because of my life. Angry to be exact. Mainly angry with myself. Angry that I allowed myself to get here.
Let me clarify. Ten years ago, I had it together, I was working and earning GREAT money and was planning on buying me a great car. I did buy it, a beautiful black 2000 Celica. Oh, she was so lovely. I adored that car! And it was ALL mine...well, I was making the payments on it. I was skinny and taking great care of myself. I LOVED life!
But for some reason I began to make the wrong decisions. I changed jobs and made some new friends, ones that I should have walked away from. I did, however, make some amazing friends whom I still adore. But I allowed the 'other' ones to impact my life in the wrong ways. I had always been so careful who I let into my life, but I have issue with control and pride. (yes, I am being VERY open here) And would never, ever let anyone tell me what to do. So, I continued to rebel. Don't get me wrong, I was still the 'good' girl because I would let myself rebel only so far (or so I thought). But anytime we go against the will of God, we are rebelling...there are no levels, it is just plain and simple.
I am responsible for my decisions in my life...it is a lesson that is taking me a long time to understand. I specifically use the word 'is' because it continues. That is the reason for my struggle with severe anger. Why did I let myself break God's plan? Why did I choose something different than His desires? Pride. Rebellion. Pure desire to control my own life.
I am capable of sharing all of this because I am experiencing freedom. God has forgiven me for my pride, for my rebellion...and I am working on forgiving myself. I have not doubted God's love for me...nor His faithfulness. He is who He says He is! My anger toward Him was because I wanted Him to step in and make me do the right thing and He didn't. He is a gentleman and I am not a robot for Him to control.
Freewill. He allowed me to make those decisions in my life and He is more than capable of making my life beautiful inspite of them. BUT, I must let Him create in me a new canvas. Being still is NOT easy.
In the words of Dr. Phil, "How's that working out for ya?"! HA. true, true, very true! IT ISN'T!
that is where my freedom and complete redemption flows...God being in control. I love life and yet, it isn't mine. If I am to be the lady that He designed, I must realize that it is NOT too late and I must resign my rights. He is NOT my co-pilot...I am the passenger and He flies solo!
from this point on, I am real, I am free and I am indeed a new creation that is being designed with His paint brush. Paint on, Jesus, paint on!
the funeral business...
As most of you know, I work at a funeral home here in Fayetteville. I am going to clear up any confusion about my occupation of choice - well, gift.
I started this job eight months ago and it has been a whirl wind ever since. I never imagined setting foot into a funeral home by choice, much less laughing while I am there. Thankful isn't quite the word to describe my expression for my job...I think 'blessed' is more accurate. It has been a hard job because it is unlike anything I have every done in my life...ever. And it has taken a long time to become familiar with how a funeral home functions.
A typical day consists of writing obituaries, filling out death certificates, calling doctors that still need to sign a death certificate, printing memorial folders, a lot of typing on yes, a typewriter, spending a lot of time on the phone answering questions about service times, and accepting payments for services.
It can definitely be a sad job at times...especially when children or young people have passed away. However, I have begun to take pride in my humble position of being able to take care of specifialy needed things that the family shouldn't have to think on further.
Yes, there are days that I have cried. A specifically sad day was when a little baby had died from the very same illness that doctors said would take Caleb's life. Tears and a sigh of gratefulness filled my heart, knowing that my Caleb is almost 5 years old and healthy.
One main question that I get is, "how can you work in a funeral home, knowing that there are dead (whispered) people there?" Honestly, i think that knowing death isn't the finale; knowing there is truly life after death is an amazing comfort. When I see anyone that has passed (and I don't see them much since I work in the office) I know that the person that was so loved by their family is no longer there, this is only their vessel.
The most grateful thing is that I can take care of my kids more and more financially. I DO miss being at home with them...it is hard seeing them only for a few hours everyday, but I do what I have to do - for them. It is all for them...as a parent, we often do things that are difficult knowing that the end result is far better than the discomfort of the situation. It is called sacrifice. My job is a job, but it is also a true gift. One gift that I am so very thankful to have, even on the hard days, I am thankful.
I started this job eight months ago and it has been a whirl wind ever since. I never imagined setting foot into a funeral home by choice, much less laughing while I am there. Thankful isn't quite the word to describe my expression for my job...I think 'blessed' is more accurate. It has been a hard job because it is unlike anything I have every done in my life...ever. And it has taken a long time to become familiar with how a funeral home functions.
A typical day consists of writing obituaries, filling out death certificates, calling doctors that still need to sign a death certificate, printing memorial folders, a lot of typing on yes, a typewriter, spending a lot of time on the phone answering questions about service times, and accepting payments for services.
It can definitely be a sad job at times...especially when children or young people have passed away. However, I have begun to take pride in my humble position of being able to take care of specifialy needed things that the family shouldn't have to think on further.
Yes, there are days that I have cried. A specifically sad day was when a little baby had died from the very same illness that doctors said would take Caleb's life. Tears and a sigh of gratefulness filled my heart, knowing that my Caleb is almost 5 years old and healthy.
One main question that I get is, "how can you work in a funeral home, knowing that there are dead (whispered) people there?" Honestly, i think that knowing death isn't the finale; knowing there is truly life after death is an amazing comfort. When I see anyone that has passed (and I don't see them much since I work in the office) I know that the person that was so loved by their family is no longer there, this is only their vessel.
The most grateful thing is that I can take care of my kids more and more financially. I DO miss being at home with them...it is hard seeing them only for a few hours everyday, but I do what I have to do - for them. It is all for them...as a parent, we often do things that are difficult knowing that the end result is far better than the discomfort of the situation. It is called sacrifice. My job is a job, but it is also a true gift. One gift that I am so very thankful to have, even on the hard days, I am thankful.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Random pictures
Easter Sunday
the family after church
yes, we all matched, and isn't it perfect!!??
yes, we all matched, and isn't it perfect!!??
Harleigh and "Gabriella"
getting ready to color eggs
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
a small update...
keeping it straight...
I am only working 1 job now. The second job didn't work out. Leaving my first job on Fridays to get to my second job in time wasn't as graceful as I had hoped. But, I earned some good money and was able to buy the kids some new clothes and pay 'a lot' on bills...so wasn't a waste of time. working 19 days straight wasn't so bad, actually. (wouldn't do it repeatedly, but wasn't bad)
On a great note...that leaves me free to be at ALL of Caleb's practices and games! Caleb had his first practice game on Saturday and he did AH-mazing...scored 2x and hit 2x off pitches!!! Just the look on his face was priceless. He was trying on his uniform last night and whispered, "Just like Smoltz". AWESOME!
Harleigh's dance recital is coming up in May...feathery princess. I can't wait to see her on that stage~! She is getting excited. Week after week has been wearing on her because she was getting bored, but now that she has her costume and has found her 'motivation'.
JP is just growing up so much. He is already planning his birthday party. He wants a 'Big Airplane' party. Still trying to figure out how to pull that one off...I will have to get creative on this one. But he does love 'em. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that his Dad and his Pa work at the airport.
I am only working 1 job now. The second job didn't work out. Leaving my first job on Fridays to get to my second job in time wasn't as graceful as I had hoped. But, I earned some good money and was able to buy the kids some new clothes and pay 'a lot' on bills...so wasn't a waste of time. working 19 days straight wasn't so bad, actually. (wouldn't do it repeatedly, but wasn't bad)
On a great note...that leaves me free to be at ALL of Caleb's practices and games! Caleb had his first practice game on Saturday and he did AH-mazing...scored 2x and hit 2x off pitches!!! Just the look on his face was priceless. He was trying on his uniform last night and whispered, "Just like Smoltz". AWESOME!
Harleigh's dance recital is coming up in May...feathery princess. I can't wait to see her on that stage~! She is getting excited. Week after week has been wearing on her because she was getting bored, but now that she has her costume and has found her 'motivation'.
JP is just growing up so much. He is already planning his birthday party. He wants a 'Big Airplane' party. Still trying to figure out how to pull that one off...I will have to get creative on this one. But he does love 'em. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that his Dad and his Pa work at the airport.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
SNOW DAY (in march)
about to head out into the snow...
crazy snow dance....ha ha
our snow man/woman...
Harleigh wanted a 'girl'
Harleigh wanted a 'girl'
Caleb wanted a 'boy'
JP reminded me of the movie, "A Christmas Story"..."I can't put my arms down"
Harleigh's snow angel
Harleigh's snow angel
Caleb's snow angel...
Pa and Harleigh during a 'cease-fire'
Pa and Harleigh during a 'cease-fire'
biggest and most weird snowball ever made!
my glasses were falling off after being pelted with snow balls
Harleigh taking off before Pa gets her!
MARVELOUS MARCH DAY!
isn't that beautiful!
Harleigh taking off before Pa gets her!
MARVELOUS MARCH DAY!
isn't that beautiful!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Caleb T-ball ~ Junkyard Dawgs
I am so proud to watch Caleb play T-ball! He is amazing....
he does get a big bored when playing in the outfield but, any 4 year old boy playing ball for the first time would! GO DAWGS!
he does get a big bored when playing in the outfield but, any 4 year old boy playing ball for the first time would! GO DAWGS!
JP and Grammie watching Caleb play...
Harleigh is the prettiest girl in camo...
Run, boy, run!
Coach Neal helping him along..
His first 'slide'...pure awesomeness
perfect swing!
he swung a bit too early, but still worthy of screaming, 'atta boy'!
ready to play ball!
life is ever changing...
For now, I am going to take a break from writting...
I will continue to post pictures, but my writtings would be too personal right now.
I love my children and everything I do in life is for them...always for them.
I will continue to post pictures, but my writtings would be too personal right now.
I love my children and everything I do in life is for them...always for them.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
it is too quiet...
last Friday, i dropped the kids off at school and they have been gone since. Winter break has brought the winter blues...
i was very busy this past weekend working in Jacksonville, but now that i am at home, i am lonely without them. T-ball was great last night...i couldn't take my eyes off of Caleb. he is so amazing! I saw him for an hour. This is so incredibly hard! I carried him to his dad's van and kissed him good-bye again.
Picking up the phone tonight, I hoped to hear their voices but I only heard one. Harleigh talked to me about the crazy storm outside...but Caleb and JP were in the bath. For some reason, i was unable to talk to them. I will remember that the next time the kids are bathing when their dad calls. I know that sounds harsh, but I am tired of bending over backwards to be kind to not get the same respect.
They are coming home on Saturday...3p is Caleb's ball practice...they will be back with me! I can't wait! I am not used to the quiet, the 'having nothing to do' syndrome. really, i do have things to do, but I just don't have the motivation without the pushing of kids behind me. something about screaming, playing, changing diapers, bathing and chasing that moves me forward to do 'things'.
Can't wait to welcome them back home!!!
i was very busy this past weekend working in Jacksonville, but now that i am at home, i am lonely without them. T-ball was great last night...i couldn't take my eyes off of Caleb. he is so amazing! I saw him for an hour. This is so incredibly hard! I carried him to his dad's van and kissed him good-bye again.
Picking up the phone tonight, I hoped to hear their voices but I only heard one. Harleigh talked to me about the crazy storm outside...but Caleb and JP were in the bath. For some reason, i was unable to talk to them. I will remember that the next time the kids are bathing when their dad calls. I know that sounds harsh, but I am tired of bending over backwards to be kind to not get the same respect.
They are coming home on Saturday...3p is Caleb's ball practice...they will be back with me! I can't wait! I am not used to the quiet, the 'having nothing to do' syndrome. really, i do have things to do, but I just don't have the motivation without the pushing of kids behind me. something about screaming, playing, changing diapers, bathing and chasing that moves me forward to do 'things'.
Can't wait to welcome them back home!!!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Dating...Dare I?
Lately it seems that has been a hot question for those I meet...those I dearly love, and those I barely know. "Are you ready to date?" Well, I have been 'dating'...a lot of first dates...but nothing that has really caught a hold of my heart. And for that I am dearly thankful. My first and foremost commitment is to my children and our healing hearts. (you know the story, so I won't bore you with it...)
Dare I continue to date?? Well, I am not sure that I have the time, for one, and not sure that I have the desire, for second. The dates I have been on have ranged from disastrous to wonderfully memorable. I won't detail, those tidbits stay locked away.
A new adventure awaits...a second job, so for the next several months, I will be working seven days a week. Not much of a grand opportunity to be open for dating. However, does it really require speed dating to meet the man of my dreams? Not by the God I serve.
I have prayed that my God saves me from spending time sipping coffee, eating dinner, movie gazing, etc. with anyone that isn't worthy of being a step-father to my children.
Let me step out on that a bit...I am NOT looking for someone to replace their father! Just someone to love them as if they were his own, and cherish me as the love of his life...um, is that too much?!?
One major commitment...no man will meet my children until he and I are serious enough to consider a future together. And I will stick to that...
I sat down the other night and realized that whomever chooses to be ushered into our lives is going to be very special...Here is a woman that is recently divorced, lives with her parents, works two jobs, has three small children, works at a funeral home and had to walk away from her house and watch it be auctioned off...gee, honestly, it just makes me laugh. I really have come to a point that I love my life!
When it is put down on paper, it sounds so crazy! But, it is my life and I have come to accept it. I am moving forward. I will debt free in less than a year. I will own my own car. I will be able to financially let my parents be grandparents, only. Goals...they always start out small.
All this to say that I would love to date, but my focus is on my family and my relationship with Jesus Christ. Not allowing my mistakes to cover me, I move forward making a better life for us. I hope that it involves 'him' one day...my God knows who he is, and where he is, but until we are both ready...I pray he stays at bay. Prepare 'us' for him, prepare 'him' for us...until then, You are our focus.
Dare I continue to date?? Well, I am not sure that I have the time, for one, and not sure that I have the desire, for second. The dates I have been on have ranged from disastrous to wonderfully memorable. I won't detail, those tidbits stay locked away.
A new adventure awaits...a second job, so for the next several months, I will be working seven days a week. Not much of a grand opportunity to be open for dating. However, does it really require speed dating to meet the man of my dreams? Not by the God I serve.
I have prayed that my God saves me from spending time sipping coffee, eating dinner, movie gazing, etc. with anyone that isn't worthy of being a step-father to my children.
Let me step out on that a bit...I am NOT looking for someone to replace their father! Just someone to love them as if they were his own, and cherish me as the love of his life...um, is that too much?!?
One major commitment...no man will meet my children until he and I are serious enough to consider a future together. And I will stick to that...
I sat down the other night and realized that whomever chooses to be ushered into our lives is going to be very special...Here is a woman that is recently divorced, lives with her parents, works two jobs, has three small children, works at a funeral home and had to walk away from her house and watch it be auctioned off...gee, honestly, it just makes me laugh. I really have come to a point that I love my life!
When it is put down on paper, it sounds so crazy! But, it is my life and I have come to accept it. I am moving forward. I will debt free in less than a year. I will own my own car. I will be able to financially let my parents be grandparents, only. Goals...they always start out small.
All this to say that I would love to date, but my focus is on my family and my relationship with Jesus Christ. Not allowing my mistakes to cover me, I move forward making a better life for us. I hope that it involves 'him' one day...my God knows who he is, and where he is, but until we are both ready...I pray he stays at bay. Prepare 'us' for him, prepare 'him' for us...until then, You are our focus.
Friday, January 30, 2009
ME....in 25 tidbits
1. I don't know the real color/colors of my hair...
2. I have 3 beautiful children...Harleigh, Caleb and JP...and they are all miracles to me!
3. I love to blog.
4. I don't remember being pregnant with JP due to a rare seizure disorder that wasn't diagnosed til being pregnant with Caleb. I have been told to not have anymore children. I was taking 19 pills a day to keep me alive, literally, and so was basically sleeping through the pregnancy.
5. I work at a funeral Home....clerical work....and yes, it is quiet...and no, it isn't creepy!
6. I am a perfectionist, to the point that things that usually seems small to 'normal' people will keep me up at night. I have actually gotten out of bed to fix a blog because I awoke and realized that I had a spelling error. I make them a lot but they drive me crazy!
7. Divorced...and just fine about it.
8. I wash my face with cold water.
9. I want my own Harley!! will NOT ride on the back of someone else's (unless he's handsome and says 'Please')...and yes, that is where Harleigh gets her name. She is just a bit more feminine than the roaring engines of a dina wide glide.
10. I want to be cremated...and don't care what happens to my ashes. I am gone, doesn't bother me what anyone does with them.
11. I want to marry a cowboy...a real one, NOT a redneck! *sigh* hopefully that will happen before my hair turns silver.
12. I love sci-fi movies...(and etc. periods)
13. I dream in color every night, and had nightmares for nearly 20 years.
14. I have a major addiction to 80's music! I have met and sat with Lionel Richie in his limo while I was working for Delta Air Lines. He is so fabulous!
15. I am allergic to carrots...yep, truly! and chamomille!! can not drink calming teas...ha, will NOT be a good thing!
16. I love Jack Bauer.
17. In middle school, I wouldn't wear anything that had the color black in it...was afraid I would be considered gothic.
18. My favorite color is pink. ANY shade.
19. I smoked for 4 1/2 years...and still occasionally miss it.
20. I delivered Caleb myself...so amazing! I was in the hospital but the midwife backed away and asked if I wanted to catch him...I sat up (as much as I could) and pulled him out...it was so awesome! Tried to do it with JP but the meds worked to well and I nearly fell off the bed, HA!
21. My eyebrows are turning grey...weird.
22. I want to go back to school and get certified as a sign language interpreter!
23. I used to want to change my name to Bridgette.
24. I have broken one toe on my right foot 5 times.
25. My favorite flower is the daisy...just a plain white daisy.
2. I have 3 beautiful children...Harleigh, Caleb and JP...and they are all miracles to me!
3. I love to blog.
4. I don't remember being pregnant with JP due to a rare seizure disorder that wasn't diagnosed til being pregnant with Caleb. I have been told to not have anymore children. I was taking 19 pills a day to keep me alive, literally, and so was basically sleeping through the pregnancy.
5. I work at a funeral Home....clerical work....and yes, it is quiet...and no, it isn't creepy!
6. I am a perfectionist, to the point that things that usually seems small to 'normal' people will keep me up at night. I have actually gotten out of bed to fix a blog because I awoke and realized that I had a spelling error. I make them a lot but they drive me crazy!
7. Divorced...and just fine about it.
8. I wash my face with cold water.
9. I want my own Harley!! will NOT ride on the back of someone else's (unless he's handsome and says 'Please')...and yes, that is where Harleigh gets her name. She is just a bit more feminine than the roaring engines of a dina wide glide.
10. I want to be cremated...and don't care what happens to my ashes. I am gone, doesn't bother me what anyone does with them.
11. I want to marry a cowboy...a real one, NOT a redneck! *sigh* hopefully that will happen before my hair turns silver.
12. I love sci-fi movies...(and etc. periods)
13. I dream in color every night, and had nightmares for nearly 20 years.
14. I have a major addiction to 80's music! I have met and sat with Lionel Richie in his limo while I was working for Delta Air Lines. He is so fabulous!
15. I am allergic to carrots...yep, truly! and chamomille!! can not drink calming teas...ha, will NOT be a good thing!
16. I love Jack Bauer.
17. In middle school, I wouldn't wear anything that had the color black in it...was afraid I would be considered gothic.
18. My favorite color is pink. ANY shade.
19. I smoked for 4 1/2 years...and still occasionally miss it.
20. I delivered Caleb myself...so amazing! I was in the hospital but the midwife backed away and asked if I wanted to catch him...I sat up (as much as I could) and pulled him out...it was so awesome! Tried to do it with JP but the meds worked to well and I nearly fell off the bed, HA!
21. My eyebrows are turning grey...weird.
22. I want to go back to school and get certified as a sign language interpreter!
23. I used to want to change my name to Bridgette.
24. I have broken one toe on my right foot 5 times.
25. My favorite flower is the daisy...just a plain white daisy.
mornin' mornin' mornin
I awoke this morning after a crazy night with the kids. Harleigh slept with me, not a problem, it is just crowded. She is tall but tiny and always seems to want to sleep sideways...thankfully I have a lot of pillows to put between us. The joys of motherhood, I got to listen to her sleep...deep breathes of peace...followed by round-house kicks to the ribs (priceless). JP woke up several times last night.
Not really sure why, I thought he was running a fever so I gave him motrin and crawled in bed with him...half of me hanging off the twin bed...would have been quite a sight had anyone walked in! Then this morning, he found his attitude, that apparently he didn't throw away last week as I asked him to...or it is a new hybrid version (resiliant to my crabby mommy powers). He didn't get his way (and I honestly can't remember what he wanted) and so he decided to call me 'doodoo head'...nice. Such a compliment from a 2 yr old!!
Well, at least my hair is still attached and my ribs are healing. I start a new day, seriously, blessed.
I wonder sometimes if I am doing 'it' right. "IT" being...my motherly duties. Of course I am...I am dealing with 3 kids that are beginning to realize they out number me! HA! OH, WOW!
Caleb did great this morning...it only took 20 minutes to get him out of bed today! He ate, played and even let me fix his hair. He is so handsome.
No, they aren't little adults...they are in training. *sigh* I have to remember that when they boycott my words and scream over eachother fighting for a red crayon (when we have 20 other red crayons).
So...here I go...off to work after a peaceful nights rest and a relaxing morning...ready for whatever!
Not really sure why, I thought he was running a fever so I gave him motrin and crawled in bed with him...half of me hanging off the twin bed...would have been quite a sight had anyone walked in! Then this morning, he found his attitude, that apparently he didn't throw away last week as I asked him to...or it is a new hybrid version (resiliant to my crabby mommy powers). He didn't get his way (and I honestly can't remember what he wanted) and so he decided to call me 'doodoo head'...nice. Such a compliment from a 2 yr old!!
Well, at least my hair is still attached and my ribs are healing. I start a new day, seriously, blessed.
I wonder sometimes if I am doing 'it' right. "IT" being...my motherly duties. Of course I am...I am dealing with 3 kids that are beginning to realize they out number me! HA! OH, WOW!
Caleb did great this morning...it only took 20 minutes to get him out of bed today! He ate, played and even let me fix his hair. He is so handsome.
No, they aren't little adults...they are in training. *sigh* I have to remember that when they boycott my words and scream over eachother fighting for a red crayon (when we have 20 other red crayons).
So...here I go...off to work after a peaceful nights rest and a relaxing morning...ready for whatever!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Harley Davidson....
No, I am not buying a Harley (not yet, anyway)...but I am going to adopt one of their motto's, "it's not the destination, it's the journey".
So what, I am not where I wanted to be at 29. Honestly, most people aren't where they aspire to be at a certain age. I knew I wanted to have kids, so I got that part down. I just didn't expect to be living with my parents...but I am blessed to have two of the most supportive parents, ever. okay, enough of the mushy stuff...
Shortly after the divorce began last year, I was having a really bad day and so opened my Bible...hoping for some guidance. Proverbs 31...really? Not what I had in mind. I sat there and honestly laughed..."God, you want me to read about the perfect woman, mother and friend?...yes, please make me feel worse...!" I read and came across a verse that I apparently had never seen before..., "strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future." WOW! Not that my garments are made of strength and dignity...it seems more of weakness and fear, but I can make a choice to smile. That is MY choice. We can either become what our circumstances make us or we can shape our circumstances into what we want.
Sure, a divorce isn't much like eating a nice slice of key lime pie, however, it is a new beginning. It is a fresh start. It IS still part of my life, part of my journey. All of my circumstances make me into something wonderful if I let them. Everything is a choice...everything.
I have been clothed in fear and confusion for so very long that it will take time for that change, but, as my grandmother always said..."one day at a time".
It has been 11 months since moving in with my parents...it has been hard, it has been wonderful. It has been an enormous part of my journey. I have made new friends, had to let others go...started a new job, paid off bills, put my belongings in storage and made a new life. There is always something else that has the potential to throw me off...my house is scheduled to be auctioned off in a couple of weeks. My home, sold to the highest bidder. Hard to swallow...*sigh*. However, yet, again...another piece to my puzzle. I am not going to let it get me down. I choose to smile at my future...even if I have to force it at times...I will smile.
Honestly, I sit back and am amazed...I have a wonderful life. Three amazing kids, supportive parents, great job, almost debt free...I think I have a life that has the potential to make others jealous...woah! Now, all I need is a God-fearing cowboy, and I am set...! (all in due time)
The journey is the beautiful thing...it makes the destination worth the wait!
So what, I am not where I wanted to be at 29. Honestly, most people aren't where they aspire to be at a certain age. I knew I wanted to have kids, so I got that part down. I just didn't expect to be living with my parents...but I am blessed to have two of the most supportive parents, ever. okay, enough of the mushy stuff...
Shortly after the divorce began last year, I was having a really bad day and so opened my Bible...hoping for some guidance. Proverbs 31...really? Not what I had in mind. I sat there and honestly laughed..."God, you want me to read about the perfect woman, mother and friend?...yes, please make me feel worse...!" I read and came across a verse that I apparently had never seen before..., "strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future." WOW! Not that my garments are made of strength and dignity...it seems more of weakness and fear, but I can make a choice to smile. That is MY choice. We can either become what our circumstances make us or we can shape our circumstances into what we want.
Sure, a divorce isn't much like eating a nice slice of key lime pie, however, it is a new beginning. It is a fresh start. It IS still part of my life, part of my journey. All of my circumstances make me into something wonderful if I let them. Everything is a choice...everything.
I have been clothed in fear and confusion for so very long that it will take time for that change, but, as my grandmother always said..."one day at a time".
It has been 11 months since moving in with my parents...it has been hard, it has been wonderful. It has been an enormous part of my journey. I have made new friends, had to let others go...started a new job, paid off bills, put my belongings in storage and made a new life. There is always something else that has the potential to throw me off...my house is scheduled to be auctioned off in a couple of weeks. My home, sold to the highest bidder. Hard to swallow...*sigh*. However, yet, again...another piece to my puzzle. I am not going to let it get me down. I choose to smile at my future...even if I have to force it at times...I will smile.
Honestly, I sit back and am amazed...I have a wonderful life. Three amazing kids, supportive parents, great job, almost debt free...I think I have a life that has the potential to make others jealous...woah! Now, all I need is a God-fearing cowboy, and I am set...! (all in due time)
The journey is the beautiful thing...it makes the destination worth the wait!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
We love life...
Princess Blue...who'd a thunk it, short sleeves in the middle of January!
not to mention a popcicle in January!!
Nice....just picture the bike with an engine! LOVE IT!
ride that bike, big boy!
Merry Christmas, kiddos!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
update...
As of this week...all 3 kids are spending time with a new friend during the day. JP loves it! I do take all three kids to three different places in the morning but I only pick them up from one place! She is amazing! She loves the kids as if they are her own. That makes me so comfortable! *sigh* Harleigh rides the school bus over to her house in the afternoon...boy does she think she is top doll! I think that begging is the appropriate description of her wanting to ride the bus...I have heard about this since she started school. dream come true for Harleigh girl...lol.
A great surprise...I get to leave work and pick up Caleb every day from school and take him to her house! I love it...we get some one on one time every day. It is wonderful! Full on sprinting toward me when I get there; wow, my heart soars!
It is hard to leave them with someone else but to know who they are with and that she cares for them...well, it makes it so much easier!
A great surprise...I get to leave work and pick up Caleb every day from school and take him to her house! I love it...we get some one on one time every day. It is wonderful! Full on sprinting toward me when I get there; wow, my heart soars!
It is hard to leave them with someone else but to know who they are with and that she cares for them...well, it makes it so much easier!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
too busy...
Sometimes in life...well, most times in life, we get too busy to notice the chaos of insanity protuding all around us in the lives of those we love.
This morning, and my heart still aches, I awoke to a message from a friend that I have had for a very long time...she opened her heart to me. She is angry with me, she is frustrated and just plain upset. She is living in the midst of a family tragedy and I didn't know. She is wearing pain everyday and I haven't acknowledged it.
No, I am not writing this to explain my side, nor excuse my stupidity. I am just sorry. My life has become too busy. When we are unable to see the pain of others, to notice the sorrow in their lives, we have no choice but to slow down. Even if we only see them through the eyes of virtual reading glasses, we must still pay attention. Even if our only encounters are by way of cyber-space, we must still take a deep breath and notice their lives.
I have no excuse...being too busy is not an excuse, well, not a good one. She has always been a special person to me, a person that has held a dear place in my life since, well for more than 15 years.
Through her pain, I am praying for her and her family. She is a precious person, always has been and always will be, to me and I know to anyone who has the honor to call her 'friend'.
This morning, and my heart still aches, I awoke to a message from a friend that I have had for a very long time...she opened her heart to me. She is angry with me, she is frustrated and just plain upset. She is living in the midst of a family tragedy and I didn't know. She is wearing pain everyday and I haven't acknowledged it.
No, I am not writing this to explain my side, nor excuse my stupidity. I am just sorry. My life has become too busy. When we are unable to see the pain of others, to notice the sorrow in their lives, we have no choice but to slow down. Even if we only see them through the eyes of virtual reading glasses, we must still pay attention. Even if our only encounters are by way of cyber-space, we must still take a deep breath and notice their lives.
I have no excuse...being too busy is not an excuse, well, not a good one. She has always been a special person to me, a person that has held a dear place in my life since, well for more than 15 years.
Through her pain, I am praying for her and her family. She is a precious person, always has been and always will be, to me and I know to anyone who has the honor to call her 'friend'.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year....
And so it begins...
The world was to implode only 9 years ago...wow, we made it! 9 years have past and what a time it has been. Well, here we are ushering in the year two thousand and nine! What will it bring, what comes sliding in on it's coat tails? All in due time...
Before we can think about this coming year, it usually consists of sitting back and reviewing the past year. And what a year it has been...I think I have covered the entire spectrum of emotions in only 365 days. Countless snorts and tears...cupped with giggles, wails and even just some moments of silence. I am at a point in my life where I have stopped regretting things, they have made me who I am, who I am becoming...and God is fully prepared to handle it ALL! Since He doesn't have to sit at a desk holding his brow cramming for the "what-ifs" of my life, I can rest knowing that He has got it under control....well, that is IF I let go of it.
He and I had a heart-to-heart today about this upcoming year...and no, it wasn't me begging and pleading for a better year (i.e. winning the lottery, my cowboy finally riding up....) it was begging and pleading for help in letting go. I am a control freak - and for those that know me, really know me, understand that...it is hard for me. I want to know everything, understand everything, be prepared for everything and NEVER EVER be surprised...but, dang-it, God runs things differently. And oddly, it has taken 29 1/2 years to get to a point to 'start' understanding that He really does want me to fully let go of it all...not just some of it, not just the easy stuff. He wants it all..."Therefore, do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34) HHEELLOO....it is right here, tomorrow is gonna be hard enough, concentrate on today!
So really, I don't go into this year with resolutions, I just want to 'let life go'! I have fouled up things enough doing them my way...let's do it His way! and usually that involves insane amounts of patience....so, it's a good thing I don't have a lot on my plate or I might go insane! Oh wait.....BRING IT ON! "HE WHO IS IN ME IS GREATER THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD."
The world was to implode only 9 years ago...wow, we made it! 9 years have past and what a time it has been. Well, here we are ushering in the year two thousand and nine! What will it bring, what comes sliding in on it's coat tails? All in due time...
Before we can think about this coming year, it usually consists of sitting back and reviewing the past year. And what a year it has been...I think I have covered the entire spectrum of emotions in only 365 days. Countless snorts and tears...cupped with giggles, wails and even just some moments of silence. I am at a point in my life where I have stopped regretting things, they have made me who I am, who I am becoming...and God is fully prepared to handle it ALL! Since He doesn't have to sit at a desk holding his brow cramming for the "what-ifs" of my life, I can rest knowing that He has got it under control....well, that is IF I let go of it.
He and I had a heart-to-heart today about this upcoming year...and no, it wasn't me begging and pleading for a better year (i.e. winning the lottery, my cowboy finally riding up....) it was begging and pleading for help in letting go. I am a control freak - and for those that know me, really know me, understand that...it is hard for me. I want to know everything, understand everything, be prepared for everything and NEVER EVER be surprised...but, dang-it, God runs things differently. And oddly, it has taken 29 1/2 years to get to a point to 'start' understanding that He really does want me to fully let go of it all...not just some of it, not just the easy stuff. He wants it all..."Therefore, do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34) HHEELLOO....it is right here, tomorrow is gonna be hard enough, concentrate on today!
So really, I don't go into this year with resolutions, I just want to 'let life go'! I have fouled up things enough doing them my way...let's do it His way! and usually that involves insane amounts of patience....so, it's a good thing I don't have a lot on my plate or I might go insane! Oh wait.....BRING IT ON! "HE WHO IS IN ME IS GREATER THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
