school years....

Harleigh and Caleb are ready to go!



Momma and Caba...

My big girl eating her breakfast...she is SO beautiful!!!

And so the journey has begun....well, took a step forward.

This morning I rolled out of bed with a smile. Yes, today was to be a great day! My daughter, Harleigh, started Kindergarten and Caleb started Pre-K 4! A huge leap in their lives! I am so proud of them. So very proud.
The rough spot came when mom, yes - me, lost it. I stayed up late last night laying out all their belongings. I laid out their clothes, book bags, any papers that needed to be returned and even a change of clothes for Caleb. Harleigh had her clean nap mat and her 'healthy' snack. I was ready! Here is the drop off - I didn't plan on a smooth route to take this morning. I certainly didn't plan it right when I had the times wrong! YES!!! I had the start times all wrong. I got Caleb to school on time, but Harleigh was 15 minutes late. Oh, my heart sank! I thought I was getting her there on time, well at the end of 'right on time'. She became tardy when I was dropping off Caleb at 745a. She can get to school anytime between 720a and 745a. Caleb can't be dropped off til 745a. Had I correctly planned this out, it would have worked smoothly. Nope. I had it backwards!
I cried the whole way home. My daughter was late to her first day of school...her record, demolished! Thankfully they didn't count this one as tardy! I was beyond thankful! I paid for her lunch with downcast eyes as I felt I had failed her.
Seriously, I have performance issues. I want to make everyone happy ALL THE TIME! I can't. My daughter proved to love me no matter what. She didn't even notice that she was late. She is magnificent! She waltzed right in there with her head held high and hair bouncing. She is beautiful - truly a ray of light. How could I be more blessed?
I have, since arriving home feeling like a complete failure, read a couple chapters in a book titled, "Parenting isn't for Cowards". Yep, felt appropriate!
So far, I see the err of my ways. I am not a failure. I expect too much perfection. I expect to be the best. Sadly, this will carry on to my children. I will not let it.
Here I am shouting - I am stupid at times. I am silly and 'obnoxious' at times. I am a spaz. Yes, I fail. But to my children I am a hero. More importantly, to my God - I am His blessed creation.
A very big sigh and a new plan - we will arrive on time tomorrow!

Reality check...

I began this blog about something else entirely but felt led to go in another direction.
What is 'grace'? Is it something we are born knowing? Is it a feeling? Well, sadly some have it and some don't. Some think they do and actually are brutally mistaken.
I have experienced the gift of true grace and have also tasted the bitterness of judgement. Awful truth, the judgement came from those that call themselves Christians.
I am a follower of Christ, but I have to understand the reality that not all 'Christians' can be trusted. When we begin to fathom the vast love of Jesus, we let go of our faith in humanity and grasp with all our might onto the endless passion Christ has for us. He died for me. He rose again for me. My dog wouldn't do that! In fact, a former Sunday School teacher wouldn't do that.
After I filed for divorce, I had some people remove themselves from me. Yes, it isn't exaggerated. They did. I confronted them (bravely, through e-mail) and questioned their actions. They responded by saying (typing) that they didn't understand my actions and without an explanation they couldn't associate themselves with me. I thought this was just a rash decision that would wash away with time. Nah. It was, again, reality.
I explained to them that I made a decision based on my relationship with Christ. He died to free us from the binds of the Old Testament Law, so that we could live under the blanket of His freedom in GRACE. I also stated that since my decision was based on my relationship with Christ, and not theirs, then if I were mistaken, I would answer to Him, not anyone else.
Four months after this e-mail interaction, they had still not even said hello to me.
I say all of this, not to blab of my hurt feelings, but to acknowledge the fact that humanity is not completely trustworthy. Our trust belongs to Christ and Christ alone.
I trust Christ, not necessarily His creation. He never said to give my all to my fellow man. He said to love my neighbor as myself - didn't say anything about trust. True love extends past hurts and misunderstandings; it extends past the ability to trust.
Those that freely walked away from me, I still love, I honestly do not have bitterness towards them. I pray that they never experience that graceless reaction from anyone, truly. That is, sadly one of the worst parts of my divorce. I saw that Christians can hurt more than the world. We must pray that people see Christ, not us...we fail, daily. We are not Him - He lives in us making us better, but not perfect.
So for those reading this...Love those around you, even when you don't understand their life. Love them. Sometimes all they might need is a smile. You don't have to agree with them to love them - just LOVE. I could break into song here, but won't. Choose love, choose grace - always grace!

Harleigh in kindergarten!!! Holy Smokes!

Waving as she goes by...Presenting the kindergartner - Harleigh!
Can you tell she is excited??
Her first lunch as a kindergartner
Harleigh and her teacher Mrs. Chapman

Me and my big girl...

My beautiful children, of whom I am SO proud!

Don't mess with a princess and her boots!

Just playin' around
I adore you, Caba!
Harleigh, my peaceful princess
"Spider"
Our last week in our house...
CHEESE...well, maybe POPCISLE!
pausing to smile...
you can't fake that kind of love...notice Harleigh's missing tooth...=)

My big boy...multi-tasking - sucker/swing!

Childcare...

it has been very nice not putting my children in the care of another person, however, that has come to an end.
Since I am to start a new and wonderful job in the next 2 weeks, I am going to have to relinquish JP into the hands of another person...well, only while I am at work. He will be going to the same place that Caleb will attend Pre-K! I think that will help. So next Monday will be HUGE - Harleigh starts Kindergarten, Caleb begins Pre-K 4 and JP will be in child-care.
My eyes have already begun to water. I know, I know - my best-friend says I am the 'sensitive one'. I agree to that assessment. I am not sad by it, I promise.
I am only weepy because I can physically remember holding each of them for the first time. Watching them breathe when they were small enough to hold with one arm. It is still amazing to me. I close my eyes and can picture Harleigh stretching her little body in the crib. I can remember nursing Caleb. I can still see Joshua Philip fighting for his life in the NICU.
Now they are these beautiful little people learning to live! I adore it. There are so many wonderful memories to come, but for now, I will hold their hands gladly and walk them into their schools. Precious memories, Precious children - each with a precious gift of life.

well, it didn't happen...

yesterday was to be the day that my house went up in smoke - well, in my mind the smoke would have been bellowing! It didn't get auctioned off...and you may ask, "Why?". Well, my ex-husband has filed for bankruptcy and so it put the foreclosure on hold.
I am, I guess, numb to it now. I am not surprised by this turn of events; I expected it. However, I am not sure how it will effect me.
I have all my paperwork showing that the house should have been sold back in February, but Wachovia dropped the ball and 'chose' to foreclose. So, when the time comes to stand before the grand jury - well, probably just a judge, I am prepared to show him that I am NOT to blame!
So now, instead of this beginning to come to an end, it will continue to bubble in my coffee...

Baby Hudson Zidar

Me and my dear friend, Stephanie's, baby, Hudson Zidar!

Hudson...isn't he beautiful!

Whitney, Elizabeth, Stephanie, Hudson and I! She is literally a beautiful mother!

Callaway Gardens with the family!

Aunt Abby and Jack
Jack-Jack and Pizzle

I didn't recall telling them to run...

Pizzle is amazed by the butterflies!
Harleigh, Caleb, Katelynn and Nathan!
Abby and Sandi...
Nathan and his 'guns'.
My girl, practicing her swimming!!!

The kids were amazed by her. She was an acrobat in the circus!

At long last!...

"Did it ever occur to you that nothing just occurs to God?"? This was said to me this morning at my second and final interview...my new and wonderful job! I have the outstanding privilege of working in a christian environment with some amazing people in a job that God brought to me! Yes, He brought this job to me!
A little over a month ago, my neighbor, whom I had never met before, came to me and shared that God had revealed something to her about me. She said that I was to stop looking for a job, that I was to rest in the Lord right now and just wait upon Him to bring me the right job. That was hard to hear, however, I knew she was right. After 100 applications and only 1 interview, I knew she was right. God was closing the doors in order to guide this very stubborn girl in the right direction.
Two weeks after she shared, a friend of my mom's called to say that she was stepping down from her full-time job and wanted to know if I was interested. She began to tell me about the job and I couldn't talk much...I was stunned! I told her that I was definitely interested. I had my first interview the following week. I didn't hear anything til last Friday, and I had my second interview this morning! It was perfect! All, let me re-phrase that, EVERYTHING I prayed for was in this job!
I can now begin to pay off my debt, pay my parents for groceries, and save for a place of our own!!
Thank you, Lord! It is true, you are NOT surprised by this, you planned it!

A new found respect...

I have a new respect for my nephew, Jack. Sweet boy is allergic to SO many things and it breaks my heart. I had a little glimpse into his life. Saturday night, after a beautiful day at Callaway, I had a bad allergic reaction. I ate a few bites of my dad's salad at dinner and failed to notice the carrots. I have a weird allergy to raw carrots. It usually just makes my mouth itch...however, that night my mouth not only itched, but it began to swell. I sat there scratching my neck, my ears and my mouth. Sandi, my sweet sister-in-law, went to the car to get Jack some benadryl and brought me some as well. It didn't help much. I started coughing and felt my tongue begin to swell. I think Josh got nervous because he asked me to go to the car with him. He then took off for some benadryl. We went to 2 stores before we found some. He gave me 6 teaspoons in addition to the one I already had. It didn't start fast enough. We went back to the restaurant and my mom told him to take me to the fire station down the street. That is where you go when you don't have insurance - or so I guess! =) The fire station was closed...HA! really, it was - along with the pharmacy (I failed to mention that earlier)!
The benadryl started working so we just got in the car to drive home. After 7 teaspoons of benadryl, I remember little about getting home. Apparently, I bathed the kids and put them to bed, but I barely remember it. Stoned off benadryl....But, I am perfectly fine! JUST SAY NO TO CARROTS! Yes, I will - forever and always!!