How do I even begin to prepare myself for this interview? Interviewing someone to do my job...to be the caretaker of my son...
How can I possibly have the right questions? My eyes are swollen from the very idea of someone staying here playing with him, when I should be; laying him down for a nap, when I should; fixing his lunch while putting in that extra cookie...but I can't. I am not angry, don't get me wrong, and I am not in any way upset at whoever she might be, it just saddens my heart. I feel just so very sad.
My prayers don't seem to be echoing the right words, I can't seem to form the right petitions for the woman that is to help shape the life of my children. Praise God that the Holy Spirit is stronger than I am right now...that His words are more eloquate.
I sit with pen in hand desperately trying to write some questions for her...but how do I prepare for this? How do I know what to say? How do I know if she is right? Will they like her? Will she love them? Will they all get along...will she be patient?
Oh, Lord, please guide the right person to my children!!! Please, Lord, Please! help me make the right decision...help me...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
We made it...
Santa's Comin' tonight!! WOAH!
THIS IS TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL! A GIRL AND HER HAT!
THIS IS TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL! A GIRL AND HER HAT!
Nothing can get between a boy and his truck!
"take me to the races"
Grammie, Pa, Harleigh, Katelynn, Caleb, Nathan, Joshua Philip and Jack!!
Whew...and if you can't tell...that was a BIG sigh of relief...we made it through Christmas with all of our hair and no missing socks!
Actually, I am quite impressed, the day of Christmas, all 'old' toys were purged and all 'new' toys put in their new happy places. (My secret...the kids were gone...not all moms can do this!) By the time they got back, they were ready to devour the new found cleanliness and destroy my sanity! MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOM! I welcomed it! I love to watch them play, usually with ear plugs, but I love it! The banging of the new tool set, the flinging of puzzle pieces, the racing of cars across the floor and of course the high pitched laughter! All the while, Harleigh is playing with her webkin's, drawing, building or playing with her dolls....ah, the noises of childhood. Christmas is amazing! Truly, my favorite time of year!!! *sigh* now....time to save up for Christmas 2009!
Monday, December 22, 2008
"Come...just as you are."
"Could love have ever been more perfectly captured? In the cries of newborn lungs tasting our air for the first time was the voice of the one for whom the world had waited. There in the arms of a teenage girl, on the floor of a stable, wrapped in rags...His Majesty."
"I wonder how the shepherds that night must have appeared. I am not sure what they heard in the angels' song over their fields, but I cannot help but think that they were led to believe that in Bethlehem they would find the hope they had longed for all of their lives. Hope. The hope of a better day. The hope of true love...the hope of life."
"Sprinting across fields and running through the city streets they searched for the one about whom they had been told. And I imagine that moment, when, stumbling over each other, they found him...when they saw his face. The eyes of man witnesing the dawn of grace."
"Without a thought for appearances they had run. They were the uneducated weather worn blue-collar souls of their day. Nameless even in the Bible, they were known collectively for what they did rather than who they were. A nameless bunch of ordinary, and perhaps less than ordinary, every day men, running at a dead sprint in the hope that it was true that a king really had been born for them. And winded and out of breath, they found him. What a perfect picture of the age old invitation that is so often forgotten, "Come, just as you are."
"And the words of the old prophet echo through the ages, "surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows." I wonder if Isaiah could see that night as he wrote those words. Could he ever have imagined the course of events that began so humbly in a stable and ended in an empty tomb?"
"You see the deep beauty of Christmas is in the truth that on that night, the sacrifice that would save the world was born. There in the sweetness of that night was the one who would carry the full weight of our sin. ...the one who would erase the shame and pain of our selfish lives. ...the passion of God for the heart of man revealed at last. ...the price of our redemption lying in a manger."
"Sometimes I lose sight of the beauty of that night. The faith is relegated to church politics, appearances, gossip, and power. Lost in all the trappings of religion is the sweet simplicity and wonder of the message of Christmas. It was God doing what we so desperately needed him to do. ...coming to teach us to love...to teach us how to live...and to teach us how to die. The almighty, submiting himself to flesh and bone, to love the unlovely, to feed the poor, to give hope to broken lives...and to give life to broken hearts."
"And the message, as clear today as it was on that night...come, without regard for where you have been or what you have done. For those whose names no one knows, and for those whose sin everyone knows...come, run to find the humble savior. Come, stumbling over yourselves, to see his face. And sit in the silence of the manger, and take it all in. ...and let this echo across your heart...salvation is here. Merry Christmas."
Good Hope -Matthew M. McCord-
"I wonder how the shepherds that night must have appeared. I am not sure what they heard in the angels' song over their fields, but I cannot help but think that they were led to believe that in Bethlehem they would find the hope they had longed for all of their lives. Hope. The hope of a better day. The hope of true love...the hope of life."
"Sprinting across fields and running through the city streets they searched for the one about whom they had been told. And I imagine that moment, when, stumbling over each other, they found him...when they saw his face. The eyes of man witnesing the dawn of grace."
"Without a thought for appearances they had run. They were the uneducated weather worn blue-collar souls of their day. Nameless even in the Bible, they were known collectively for what they did rather than who they were. A nameless bunch of ordinary, and perhaps less than ordinary, every day men, running at a dead sprint in the hope that it was true that a king really had been born for them. And winded and out of breath, they found him. What a perfect picture of the age old invitation that is so often forgotten, "Come, just as you are."
"And the words of the old prophet echo through the ages, "surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows." I wonder if Isaiah could see that night as he wrote those words. Could he ever have imagined the course of events that began so humbly in a stable and ended in an empty tomb?"
"You see the deep beauty of Christmas is in the truth that on that night, the sacrifice that would save the world was born. There in the sweetness of that night was the one who would carry the full weight of our sin. ...the one who would erase the shame and pain of our selfish lives. ...the passion of God for the heart of man revealed at last. ...the price of our redemption lying in a manger."
"Sometimes I lose sight of the beauty of that night. The faith is relegated to church politics, appearances, gossip, and power. Lost in all the trappings of religion is the sweet simplicity and wonder of the message of Christmas. It was God doing what we so desperately needed him to do. ...coming to teach us to love...to teach us how to live...and to teach us how to die. The almighty, submiting himself to flesh and bone, to love the unlovely, to feed the poor, to give hope to broken lives...and to give life to broken hearts."
"And the message, as clear today as it was on that night...come, without regard for where you have been or what you have done. For those whose names no one knows, and for those whose sin everyone knows...come, run to find the humble savior. Come, stumbling over yourselves, to see his face. And sit in the silence of the manger, and take it all in. ...and let this echo across your heart...salvation is here. Merry Christmas."
Good Hope -Matthew M. McCord-
Innocence...
Truly innocent...they had no choice. They didn't wake up one morning and wish for this. What child wants their parents to live in separate homes? What child dreams of divided love? Sure, more presents at birthdays and Christmas because everyone feels sorry for them, but really, not a genuine 'hope'.
I look into their eyes and my heart literally breaks. I can almost hear their minds asking, 'why, mom, why?'. To see the confusion on their faces is utterly gut-wrenching. I have sat and wept at night after putting them to bed, just wondering how to gain the words to explain to them that this is not their fault. They each have ways of expressing or not expressing their anger...Harleigh closes up, she doesn't like to talk about it much, but every now and then she asks questions. All I want to do is hold her and cry, but I have to be strong. Caleb is very vocal about wanting things to be the way they were. Sadly, he doesn't remember just how things were at that house. I am thankful that he speaks about wanting to go back there and talks about missing his dad. They love their dad, and they should, he loves them. Every child needs their father, every child. JP (or Joshua Philip, depending on the day) is just angry. He is only 2. Too young to remember life with a complete home, too young to understand. He is a very normal two year old, but is a bit angrier. The constant back and forth, phone calls every night...it reminds them over and over that things are different. Not the way God had intended.
Even for a six year old, a four year old and a two year old, they know...it should have been different, it should be different.
Oh, God, they are so precious to me, my heart hurts. I wish I could scoop them up and just never let them go, that I could wipe away all their pain with just a kiss and a book. But, sadly, I can't....gloriously, He can and will!
Daily I have to remind myself that I am not alone, I don't walk silently in despair...He knows just where my feet will land and He already prepared the ground to hold me up. I not only have to remember this truth for my heart, but I beg God for the words to help these little hearts hold on. I find myself crying as I write this...I close my eyes and picture Christ holding each of them, just rocking back and forth, whispering in their ears..."You are mine, I made you, and I knew this would happen...you are mine, hold on to me, dear one". He just sits and has one arm wrapped tightly around their waist and the other hand holding their head close to his heart...listen to it beat...it beats for you, Harleigh; it beats for you, Caleb; it beats for you, Joshua Philip...it beats for you, Abby. God heal my heart, heal their hearts, prepare them for the day they see and understand your plan...YOUR plan, so much greater than ours, so much more beautiful! In the depths of despair, You are glorious...you make beauty out of our ashes and shine brighter than the Christmas star...you made it all, just for them, just for us.
Dear, God...give them peace, this Christmas, let them know this is all for you, because of you! My Christmas wish...for them to have the most wonderful Christmas ever! Thank you for my children, for their lives, give me grace to protect them and raise them as you would...since they are yours, your beautifully splendid creation!
I look into their eyes and my heart literally breaks. I can almost hear their minds asking, 'why, mom, why?'. To see the confusion on their faces is utterly gut-wrenching. I have sat and wept at night after putting them to bed, just wondering how to gain the words to explain to them that this is not their fault. They each have ways of expressing or not expressing their anger...Harleigh closes up, she doesn't like to talk about it much, but every now and then she asks questions. All I want to do is hold her and cry, but I have to be strong. Caleb is very vocal about wanting things to be the way they were. Sadly, he doesn't remember just how things were at that house. I am thankful that he speaks about wanting to go back there and talks about missing his dad. They love their dad, and they should, he loves them. Every child needs their father, every child. JP (or Joshua Philip, depending on the day) is just angry. He is only 2. Too young to remember life with a complete home, too young to understand. He is a very normal two year old, but is a bit angrier. The constant back and forth, phone calls every night...it reminds them over and over that things are different. Not the way God had intended.
Even for a six year old, a four year old and a two year old, they know...it should have been different, it should be different.
Oh, God, they are so precious to me, my heart hurts. I wish I could scoop them up and just never let them go, that I could wipe away all their pain with just a kiss and a book. But, sadly, I can't....gloriously, He can and will!
Daily I have to remind myself that I am not alone, I don't walk silently in despair...He knows just where my feet will land and He already prepared the ground to hold me up. I not only have to remember this truth for my heart, but I beg God for the words to help these little hearts hold on. I find myself crying as I write this...I close my eyes and picture Christ holding each of them, just rocking back and forth, whispering in their ears..."You are mine, I made you, and I knew this would happen...you are mine, hold on to me, dear one". He just sits and has one arm wrapped tightly around their waist and the other hand holding their head close to his heart...listen to it beat...it beats for you, Harleigh; it beats for you, Caleb; it beats for you, Joshua Philip...it beats for you, Abby. God heal my heart, heal their hearts, prepare them for the day they see and understand your plan...YOUR plan, so much greater than ours, so much more beautiful! In the depths of despair, You are glorious...you make beauty out of our ashes and shine brighter than the Christmas star...you made it all, just for them, just for us.
Dear, God...give them peace, this Christmas, let them know this is all for you, because of you! My Christmas wish...for them to have the most wonderful Christmas ever! Thank you for my children, for their lives, give me grace to protect them and raise them as you would...since they are yours, your beautifully splendid creation!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Psalm 42
"My tears have been my food day and night..." As I read those words, I wept. King David knew how I felt. He knew my pain, he cried out in despair as his life had not turned out as he planned. But why feel sorrow? Why feel distress? It is a constant battle between the heart and mind and right now, I have lost score. I am a walking oxymoron...a logically emotional woman. Yes, my head screams logic but my heart cries out emotion. My head knows that my God has never walked away, nor will he ever...my heart knows that I have never felt such deep pain.
Later in that same passage is where I find my favorite name for God...El Chaiyai..."The God of my life."
Closing my eyes, I can picture myself laying in bed, at ten years of age, and dreaming of my life when I got older. I would marry a prince and we would live happily ever after in our beautiful home with 2 kids and a dog. But the greatest prize was that...he chose me.
He, my prince, had dressed in his most dashing princely attire to choose his bride. Opening the floor-to-ceiling doors, he was overwhelmed with beauty, for the room was overflowing with princesses desiring nothing more than to be his 'one and only'. He briskly walked past them, they did not hold the key to his heart...they did not grab his eye. He gazed the room and paused. Our eyes met and the room parted, he said nothing, grabbed my hand, placed the ring on my finger and we kissed (as only a 10 year old girl could imagine). The other girls were jealous but clapped nonetheless and they watched as we danced and danced and danced. He had chosen me.
His promise would surely endure...
Well, I dreamt of a fairytale, every little girl does in hopes that hers is real. I still dream of love, even while I cry in pain.
Why and how did I end up alone with three children? Hadn't I been mindful of my choices? Hadn't I been more careful with my life? Why? Where do I go now?
I am a 29 year old mom of three amazing children...and thank God I have them, but I am not going to lie, my life is hard. I am tired and lonely and scared.
This passage is my heart and my mind...the unceasing duel. My soul aches in pain, but I know the truth. He is and will forever be my Redeeming Love. He is not finished with me yet. He is fashioning me into the 'right' mom for my children...not the perfect. He is molding me into the lady he envisioned...not just another woman.
Even in the seemingly unending sorrow, He is still God. He is still King. So instead of dwelling on the 'what should have been', I will take a deep breathe, step forward and keep fighting for life and for dreams. So, dream on, Abby Lynn McFarlin, life isn't over, it is just beginning.
Later in that same passage is where I find my favorite name for God...El Chaiyai..."The God of my life."
Closing my eyes, I can picture myself laying in bed, at ten years of age, and dreaming of my life when I got older. I would marry a prince and we would live happily ever after in our beautiful home with 2 kids and a dog. But the greatest prize was that...he chose me.
He, my prince, had dressed in his most dashing princely attire to choose his bride. Opening the floor-to-ceiling doors, he was overwhelmed with beauty, for the room was overflowing with princesses desiring nothing more than to be his 'one and only'. He briskly walked past them, they did not hold the key to his heart...they did not grab his eye. He gazed the room and paused. Our eyes met and the room parted, he said nothing, grabbed my hand, placed the ring on my finger and we kissed (as only a 10 year old girl could imagine). The other girls were jealous but clapped nonetheless and they watched as we danced and danced and danced. He had chosen me.
His promise would surely endure...
Well, I dreamt of a fairytale, every little girl does in hopes that hers is real. I still dream of love, even while I cry in pain.
Why and how did I end up alone with three children? Hadn't I been mindful of my choices? Hadn't I been more careful with my life? Why? Where do I go now?
I am a 29 year old mom of three amazing children...and thank God I have them, but I am not going to lie, my life is hard. I am tired and lonely and scared.
This passage is my heart and my mind...the unceasing duel. My soul aches in pain, but I know the truth. He is and will forever be my Redeeming Love. He is not finished with me yet. He is fashioning me into the 'right' mom for my children...not the perfect. He is molding me into the lady he envisioned...not just another woman.
Even in the seemingly unending sorrow, He is still God. He is still King. So instead of dwelling on the 'what should have been', I will take a deep breathe, step forward and keep fighting for life and for dreams. So, dream on, Abby Lynn McFarlin, life isn't over, it is just beginning.
continuation of lightness...
FANTASTIC NEWS....an update on the weightloss....40 pounds gone in a year...30 more to go...and the newest news...went shopping yesterday, and I went down a size in my jeans!!!!! That was probably one of the greatest days in my life! I sat in the dressing room with the goofiest grin on my face...I AM WINNING! and like any girl, I sent my best friend a text!!! didn't want to verbally announce to the whole dressing room that I was smaller than them...and yes, seriously, I was!!!!
Just thought I would share!!! I am on my way to my goal. I still have 2 months til I post the promised picture...me in a swimsuit. right now, 'ick'...but maybe, just maybe, by then, 'ah yeah'!
Just thought I would share!!! I am on my way to my goal. I still have 2 months til I post the promised picture...me in a swimsuit. right now, 'ick'...but maybe, just maybe, by then, 'ah yeah'!
I can breathe....
*SIGH* I can breathe, literally. End of September, I left work to go to the doctor because anyone who nearly passes out from coughing, is definetly sick. After waiting for no less than 15 minutes (nice), I was ushered to the second waiting room and just sat coughing and coughing and coughing. I hadn't been sick in years and here I was, a gift to celebrate my new insurance. slightly sarcastic...hooray.
I had brochitis, yuck. Dose me up with antibiotics and send me on my way. Now it is December 21, and I still have brochitis and now a newby, an ear infection. Two days ago, I left work early (after returning from 2 1/2 days in bed) to go to the doctor and see what was really wrong. This time, we really dug in...blood work, (if you are my child, here is where you gasp and cover your mouth). Blood work, new terminator antibiotics and a shot in my rear. Yes, that hurts worse than most things. However, after two days, I can honestly say, I am MUCH better! For the first time in over 2 months, I can take a deep breath in through my nose and not cough as though it was my last. Very fulfilling! Three more days on the antibiotic and I can start some new meds, too! Finally, a rest for my poor head. Migraines...satans gift. Hate them, would rather give birth five times in one day! And for some reason, (maybe stress, duh) I have been having them more often than in the last 10 years. However, cheers to the end of stressful pain in my head...life is much better when one can breathe and think...
I had brochitis, yuck. Dose me up with antibiotics and send me on my way. Now it is December 21, and I still have brochitis and now a newby, an ear infection. Two days ago, I left work early (after returning from 2 1/2 days in bed) to go to the doctor and see what was really wrong. This time, we really dug in...blood work, (if you are my child, here is where you gasp and cover your mouth). Blood work, new terminator antibiotics and a shot in my rear. Yes, that hurts worse than most things. However, after two days, I can honestly say, I am MUCH better! For the first time in over 2 months, I can take a deep breath in through my nose and not cough as though it was my last. Very fulfilling! Three more days on the antibiotic and I can start some new meds, too! Finally, a rest for my poor head. Migraines...satans gift. Hate them, would rather give birth five times in one day! And for some reason, (maybe stress, duh) I have been having them more often than in the last 10 years. However, cheers to the end of stressful pain in my head...life is much better when one can breathe and think...
Friday, December 19, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving....
HOT TUBBIN' in the mountains!
Harleigh has started journaling...I am so proud of her!
My mom, Grammie, shucking corn for dinner!
Caleb learning to break sticks with his legs!
Harleigh has started journaling...I am so proud of her!
My mom, Grammie, shucking corn for dinner!
Caleb learning to break sticks with his legs!
Happy Birthday, Phil!
Momma and Pizzle
MY APPLE PIE! YUMMY!
Pa cutting the turkey!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Acacia Christmas
Stacy Lou Who and Abby Lou Who...taking a night off from dancing around the tree...
The whole group! Acacia Fellowship!
Abby Lou Who and CJ Christmas Tree
Same as Thanksgiving, we showered this beautiful family with love and presents. We did not want these children to go without the 'fun' part of Christmas. Aside from delivering presents, we just loved on them and made sure that they know they are NOT a charity, they are our friends! This was, again, a magnificent evening and am so blessed to have such beautiful friends!
Instead of Pilgrims and Indians, we dressed in anything Christmas! My friend, Stacy and I dressed as Who's from Whoville, and my friend, CJ, dressed as a Christmas Tree! Can't wait til next year!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
friends and family!!!
Phil and I!
Me, Barry and Ginny!
Me, Val, Kelly and Amanda
Me, Barry and Ginny!
Me, Val, Kelly and Amanda
My family...Sandi, Jack, Josh, Nathan, Dad, Katelynn, Mom, Joshua, Harleigh, Me, Frodo, Phil and Caleb!!
CJ and I!
Erin and I
Abby Lou Who and CJ Tree
Abby Lou Who and CJ Tree
Acacia Ladies
Best Christmas Ever!
Yes, I am excited about this Christmas. So far, it has proven unique and exciting.
To begin, let me explain a big difference.
Last year, I was not able to buy a single gift for my children. In years past, I bought them everything they wanted but paid a high price. Credit cards were a friend and yet never dependable. Late summer 2007, I walked away from using credit cards ever again. And I have stuck to it. So, Christmas 2007 was hard because I didn't want to stray from that, didn't want to give up. So I prayed, and I prayed hard! And, you are right, God provided every present for my children. A very humbling experience, however, I was not going to let it be repeated!
I won't lie, it is hard working full-time and being a full-time single mom, but incredibly fullfiling pushing forward in this new life. This Christmas, I have not only been able to buy presents for my kids, but others as well. Harleigh and I adopted a 6 year old girl and had so much fun buying presents for her! We set out for Target, and it wasn't pretty at first. Harleigh did not want to go; we weren't buying for her. But as soon as we got there and she saw all the things we could get and I explained that this little girl wasn't getting much, she jumped on board! We raided the dollar section in Target!! The little princess will now have new pajamas, a new outfit, socks, a new doll, etc...it was amazing!!! We got in the car and I asked Harleigh to pray with me over the presents.
I, the sap that I am, started to cry. After we prayed, Harleigh asked why I was crying and I explained to her that last year, people took care of us and now we can do the same. Told her that we will never know this little girl and not see her open the presents. I told her we didn't even know her name. She then got a wonderful idea and asked if we could name her, Jamie!! Oh, how my heart melted..."of course, Harleigh, we can!!!"! What a proud moment to see the tenderness of my own child!
So not only can I provide for my kids Christmas, but it has been a hands-on experience in learning the true meaning of Christmas - giving! Christ was given to us so that we can be free - true freedom. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!
To begin, let me explain a big difference.
Last year, I was not able to buy a single gift for my children. In years past, I bought them everything they wanted but paid a high price. Credit cards were a friend and yet never dependable. Late summer 2007, I walked away from using credit cards ever again. And I have stuck to it. So, Christmas 2007 was hard because I didn't want to stray from that, didn't want to give up. So I prayed, and I prayed hard! And, you are right, God provided every present for my children. A very humbling experience, however, I was not going to let it be repeated!
I won't lie, it is hard working full-time and being a full-time single mom, but incredibly fullfiling pushing forward in this new life. This Christmas, I have not only been able to buy presents for my kids, but others as well. Harleigh and I adopted a 6 year old girl and had so much fun buying presents for her! We set out for Target, and it wasn't pretty at first. Harleigh did not want to go; we weren't buying for her. But as soon as we got there and she saw all the things we could get and I explained that this little girl wasn't getting much, she jumped on board! We raided the dollar section in Target!! The little princess will now have new pajamas, a new outfit, socks, a new doll, etc...it was amazing!!! We got in the car and I asked Harleigh to pray with me over the presents.
I, the sap that I am, started to cry. After we prayed, Harleigh asked why I was crying and I explained to her that last year, people took care of us and now we can do the same. Told her that we will never know this little girl and not see her open the presents. I told her we didn't even know her name. She then got a wonderful idea and asked if we could name her, Jamie!! Oh, how my heart melted..."of course, Harleigh, we can!!!"! What a proud moment to see the tenderness of my own child!
So not only can I provide for my kids Christmas, but it has been a hands-on experience in learning the true meaning of Christmas - giving! Christ was given to us so that we can be free - true freedom. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
new creation...
For the last several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be a Christian. Sadly, through the process of my divorce and making the decision to move on with my life, I have faced the pitiful truth that not all followers of Christ are really in touch with Him. And even sadder, I have let it affect me.
Adding up to many months, I have allowed my heart to drain itself of trust, love and peace. I made the choice to allow the actions and words of others break me. I would rather have sticks and stones than words.
Growing up in the "Bible Belt", I knew the basics of Christianity and faith and accepted Him as my savior at the age of 11, however, I fought letting Him take over my life. I allowed rules and regulations to add up to nothing more than living in the black and white of life. I had not taken grip of grace and passion.
In college, I realized that legalism is a devestating cancer in the life of a Christian. If we allow denominational rules to set our life, and not the direction of Christ, we become nothing more than a common stone thrower. I left school early, because I was pained by the reality of how deep regulations run in the church.
While still on a 'break', I decided to run from truth. Instead of searching for the truth from the only place that sets me free, the Bible, I just walked away. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't walk away from Christ, I didn't walk away from my faith...I just walked away from trying to understand it. It seemed too complicated.
However, if we sit down and try to comprehend the mind of Christ, implosion is the only result. It is too complicated. But I am trying to take a step back and separate Christians from Christ. We, as Christians make things too complicated.
I am tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I am exhausted at trying to make everyone happy.
All this to say, I am resolving to only make one person happy, and He already loves me just as I am...I step forward to become the person He wants me to be, the mother He designed.
I have made some 'not so great' choices over the last several months and am not proud of myself for it, but out of anger and pain, I opted to allow myself to stop thinking and just 'be'. There are some people that I am never going to make happy, there are some people that think there is always more to be 'done'...
I want nothing more than to be proud of myself and have my kids know that I adore and love them more than anyone else.
I am no longer going to base my understanding of Christ or His love on the lives of 'Christians'. So throw your stones, I am choosing to stand on the rock of salvation and truth. I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone...so I spread my wings....
Adding up to many months, I have allowed my heart to drain itself of trust, love and peace. I made the choice to allow the actions and words of others break me. I would rather have sticks and stones than words.
Growing up in the "Bible Belt", I knew the basics of Christianity and faith and accepted Him as my savior at the age of 11, however, I fought letting Him take over my life. I allowed rules and regulations to add up to nothing more than living in the black and white of life. I had not taken grip of grace and passion.
In college, I realized that legalism is a devestating cancer in the life of a Christian. If we allow denominational rules to set our life, and not the direction of Christ, we become nothing more than a common stone thrower. I left school early, because I was pained by the reality of how deep regulations run in the church.
While still on a 'break', I decided to run from truth. Instead of searching for the truth from the only place that sets me free, the Bible, I just walked away. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't walk away from Christ, I didn't walk away from my faith...I just walked away from trying to understand it. It seemed too complicated.
However, if we sit down and try to comprehend the mind of Christ, implosion is the only result. It is too complicated. But I am trying to take a step back and separate Christians from Christ. We, as Christians make things too complicated.
I am tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I am exhausted at trying to make everyone happy.
All this to say, I am resolving to only make one person happy, and He already loves me just as I am...I step forward to become the person He wants me to be, the mother He designed.
I have made some 'not so great' choices over the last several months and am not proud of myself for it, but out of anger and pain, I opted to allow myself to stop thinking and just 'be'. There are some people that I am never going to make happy, there are some people that think there is always more to be 'done'...
I want nothing more than to be proud of myself and have my kids know that I adore and love them more than anyone else.
I am no longer going to base my understanding of Christ or His love on the lives of 'Christians'. So throw your stones, I am choosing to stand on the rock of salvation and truth. I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone...so I spread my wings....
Monday, November 24, 2008
On a 'lighter' note...
I am pushing forward in the venture to lose weight. I have lost a total of 40 pounds in the last year and continue onward.
February is the goal to lost 25-30 more...Can I do it? we shall see, all of us...whatever the result, it will be posted in picture form. A picture of me in my bathing suit, yep, still on...
I have lost 7 pounds since starting 6 weeks ago...very hard to lose weight, but I have to say that the weight doesn't come off as quickly as the 'sizes'. I went clothes shopping this weekend and am truely smaller...the size I was wearing 6 weeks ago, only fits in pants...shirts are too big, and skirts didn't fit right. FLIPPING FANATSTIC!!
Onward I go, to the skinny lady hiding inside....
February is the goal to lost 25-30 more...Can I do it? we shall see, all of us...whatever the result, it will be posted in picture form. A picture of me in my bathing suit, yep, still on...
I have lost 7 pounds since starting 6 weeks ago...very hard to lose weight, but I have to say that the weight doesn't come off as quickly as the 'sizes'. I went clothes shopping this weekend and am truely smaller...the size I was wearing 6 weeks ago, only fits in pants...shirts are too big, and skirts didn't fit right. FLIPPING FANATSTIC!!
Onward I go, to the skinny lady hiding inside....
Butterfly wings...
Do you ever feel caught in the middle of the world you wish you inhabited and the world that has swallowed your breath? Right now, that is my existence, but was given a kiss on the cheek by my God yesterday...
Setting out to bless a family should be a joyous experience, however, I was terrified to be doing this. Some of the greatest people I know put together a 'feast delivery' for a family in need and I was bringing them ingredients for (what I hear to be) a very delicious punch. My stomach ached for the butterflies were crowded. More time than not, over the last several years, my children and I had been on the other end...the receivers of the baskets...the receivers of the groceries and overwhelming gracious love.
I have prayed so very long to one day be on the other side, the deliverer of the basket...so, why was my heart pacing, why was I so scared. I was facing pain not yet healed. It was a little blessing to actually not know to whom we were delivering, until half way down the road (while walking)...couldn't turn around and run (however, my heart beat to disappear).
She has lived similar pain, similar devastation...she is a single mom, too. I wasn't ready for this, but for some reason God led me to this place. Surrounded by friends, of whom have hearts of pure gold, I kept walking. Indians, pilgrims and I (your thanksgiving seasoning, salt and pepper)...we walked toward their door, and they were ready. She opened not only her door, but her heart. She was pure 'joy', pure presence of the LORD...and I was so scared. Having been hurt by Christians so much this past year, I found myself crouching down behind everyone not wanting to be involved.
I slowly melted and took a leap...I spoke to her. We immediately bonded and hugged with tears filling our eyes. Our hearts were joined as we both shared our stories - we shared pain and frustration...though, she continued in strength and steadfast faith. I have wavered and struggled. This is a lady that I want to know, to listen to her heart, to share a cup of coffee and just 'be' in her presence. For what seemed like forever, we talked about our children, our lives and just how much we have in common. I look forward to our next 'talk', very soon.
Being thankful for butterflies that do indeed have wings...that is my thanksgiving joy. I am not alone, and the fear that so often seems to reside in my stomach, flew away last night...
I took a step forward in this life, toward a world of peace and joy...it still seems distant, but with family and friends that light the midnight sky, I am closer than the day before.
Setting out to bless a family should be a joyous experience, however, I was terrified to be doing this. Some of the greatest people I know put together a 'feast delivery' for a family in need and I was bringing them ingredients for (what I hear to be) a very delicious punch. My stomach ached for the butterflies were crowded. More time than not, over the last several years, my children and I had been on the other end...the receivers of the baskets...the receivers of the groceries and overwhelming gracious love.
I have prayed so very long to one day be on the other side, the deliverer of the basket...so, why was my heart pacing, why was I so scared. I was facing pain not yet healed. It was a little blessing to actually not know to whom we were delivering, until half way down the road (while walking)...couldn't turn around and run (however, my heart beat to disappear).
She has lived similar pain, similar devastation...she is a single mom, too. I wasn't ready for this, but for some reason God led me to this place. Surrounded by friends, of whom have hearts of pure gold, I kept walking. Indians, pilgrims and I (your thanksgiving seasoning, salt and pepper)...we walked toward their door, and they were ready. She opened not only her door, but her heart. She was pure 'joy', pure presence of the LORD...and I was so scared. Having been hurt by Christians so much this past year, I found myself crouching down behind everyone not wanting to be involved.
I slowly melted and took a leap...I spoke to her. We immediately bonded and hugged with tears filling our eyes. Our hearts were joined as we both shared our stories - we shared pain and frustration...though, she continued in strength and steadfast faith. I have wavered and struggled. This is a lady that I want to know, to listen to her heart, to share a cup of coffee and just 'be' in her presence. For what seemed like forever, we talked about our children, our lives and just how much we have in common. I look forward to our next 'talk', very soon.
Being thankful for butterflies that do indeed have wings...that is my thanksgiving joy. I am not alone, and the fear that so often seems to reside in my stomach, flew away last night...
I took a step forward in this life, toward a world of peace and joy...it still seems distant, but with family and friends that light the midnight sky, I am closer than the day before.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Harleigh Alexis Sutton
the 18 month old princess!
Little 2 year old
Blue Eyes Stinker Princess
Static Electricity meet Harleigh
Harleigh and her little doll - they love to dress alike!
Halloween 2007
Preschool Graduate 2007!!!
Harleigh (who was still 5)
THE DANCER!
ISN'T SHE STUNNING?!
THE DANCER!
ISN'T SHE STUNNING?!November 5, 2002, I began laboring to see my first child born. Twenty seven hours later, on November 6, 2002 at 451pm, Harleigh Alexis was born. She was perfect. Her hair a slight reddish blonde, crystal blue eyes and the lungs of a gorilla.
I opened my arms and wiped my eyes to welcome this precious princess into my life. Everything would change from this point on...and it has. I love her more than my heart could have ever comprehended. I adore her. I have uploaded some pictures of her, this brilliant independent child...who, by the way, can now tell you how old she is on TWO hands!!
A piece of my soap (box)
Recession....seriously?
I am about to my end with hearing this is a recession or even the beginning of one. COME ON, PEOPLE! Does anyone remember studying the Great Depression? I DO!
These people stood in line to buy bread - NOT A WII!
They didn't have credit cards they could no longer pay, they didn't have a mortgage on a house they couldn't afford and they sure didn't have a car that is in danger of repossession! They had REAL money - not loaned money!
Yes, I know that it is hard right now. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! However, the majority of the United States is in trouble because of our own fault! We borrowed and begged for money and now we can't pay it back and are losing things we didn't really own. Just because you finance it and pay for it, doesn't mean it is YOURS!
I lost my house. My house was taken back because I couldn't afford it. I am not immune to this. I am not speaking out of place. I have a house that is under current foreclosure. But I am also not going to stand up and say that we are in a recession.
OH MY GOODNESS...really! I get so upset when thinking about this. We, as a country, are used to buying what we want when we want it...and now we can't!
I have one big bad word for you...BUDGET! OH NO, there I said it! USE IT! You work hard, or are supposed to, for your money, so make it work for you!
Come on, people! Get off your butts and work hard to keep what you have. Yes, our government made some bad decisions...but when has the government really had our best in mind? Really! think about it...hopefully you don't have too think hard.
If you are indeed working, then don't stop. Keep working and keep your money (if a certain person will let us, that is).
Next time you are in line to buy something other than milk and bread...be thankful! It could be A LOT worse!
I am about to my end with hearing this is a recession or even the beginning of one. COME ON, PEOPLE! Does anyone remember studying the Great Depression? I DO!
These people stood in line to buy bread - NOT A WII!
They didn't have credit cards they could no longer pay, they didn't have a mortgage on a house they couldn't afford and they sure didn't have a car that is in danger of repossession! They had REAL money - not loaned money!
Yes, I know that it is hard right now. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! However, the majority of the United States is in trouble because of our own fault! We borrowed and begged for money and now we can't pay it back and are losing things we didn't really own. Just because you finance it and pay for it, doesn't mean it is YOURS!
I lost my house. My house was taken back because I couldn't afford it. I am not immune to this. I am not speaking out of place. I have a house that is under current foreclosure. But I am also not going to stand up and say that we are in a recession.
OH MY GOODNESS...really! I get so upset when thinking about this. We, as a country, are used to buying what we want when we want it...and now we can't!
I have one big bad word for you...BUDGET! OH NO, there I said it! USE IT! You work hard, or are supposed to, for your money, so make it work for you!
Come on, people! Get off your butts and work hard to keep what you have. Yes, our government made some bad decisions...but when has the government really had our best in mind? Really! think about it...hopefully you don't have too think hard.
If you are indeed working, then don't stop. Keep working and keep your money (if a certain person will let us, that is).
Next time you are in line to buy something other than milk and bread...be thankful! It could be A LOT worse!
Time to think...
Over the last several days, while getting reacquainted with my gag reflexes, I have had time to think about 'things'.
For many months I have tried to come to grips with my life and understanding what part God played in all of it. I mean, if I have free will and He is in control, then well, how does that work exactly?
The biggest problem in this scenario is that we (extremely addicted and controlling humans) try to do everything ourselves and then when it doesn't work out we tend to want to blame someone or something else ~ and that usually ends up being God.
God IS love and grace and mercy and yes, He is jealous of our time and devotion. He does not want 'bad' things to happen to us, His children, however when we are not following after Him then we are not under His complete care. Don't get me wrong, He doesn't remove His care...more like we walked out from under the umbrella. God doesn't move, WE do!
So when the rain is coming down in sheets or sprinkles, it is always best to check and see if we are indeed under HIS umbrella.
Now, let me say another thing. When 'bad' things happen, it isn't always our fault.
My aunt, my best friend, died 6 1/2 years ago. She was murdered. She did nothing wrong. My cousin did nothing wrong, yet she was laid to rest by her mother. I truly believe that God wept that day along with us. But as it says in Romans, "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, those who are called according to His purpose.". No where in there does it say according to 'our' purpose. We can't see the end result. I NEVER wanted my aunt to die, I still mourn her death. I loved her so very much, I can close my eyes and see her smile. But for a reason greater than my mind can comprehend, she is gone. God used her death and He didn't need permission to do so.
Questioning is never wrong. I questioned her death just like I question my current life. It is a right that we have as humans to ask questions and search for answers. God gave us a well oiled mind to fight for the truth and as the Bible also says, "truth will set you free". Sometimes finding the truth brings pain. Pain we never imagined was possible. I say this to restate that healing is a PROCESS.
The 'group' that I go to every week is bringing A LOT of pain. I am utterly exhausted from it. But in return, I am learning more about myself than I thought possible. It isn't me doing this. The Holy Spirit is working in me to heal my heart so I can be a better mom and just honestly, BE ABBY! What a concept - to be ME! I lost sight of who that person was and is...
As I draw closer...well, I smile...and hope to do so more!
For many months I have tried to come to grips with my life and understanding what part God played in all of it. I mean, if I have free will and He is in control, then well, how does that work exactly?
The biggest problem in this scenario is that we (extremely addicted and controlling humans) try to do everything ourselves and then when it doesn't work out we tend to want to blame someone or something else ~ and that usually ends up being God.
God IS love and grace and mercy and yes, He is jealous of our time and devotion. He does not want 'bad' things to happen to us, His children, however when we are not following after Him then we are not under His complete care. Don't get me wrong, He doesn't remove His care...more like we walked out from under the umbrella. God doesn't move, WE do!
So when the rain is coming down in sheets or sprinkles, it is always best to check and see if we are indeed under HIS umbrella.
Now, let me say another thing. When 'bad' things happen, it isn't always our fault.
My aunt, my best friend, died 6 1/2 years ago. She was murdered. She did nothing wrong. My cousin did nothing wrong, yet she was laid to rest by her mother. I truly believe that God wept that day along with us. But as it says in Romans, "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, those who are called according to His purpose.". No where in there does it say according to 'our' purpose. We can't see the end result. I NEVER wanted my aunt to die, I still mourn her death. I loved her so very much, I can close my eyes and see her smile. But for a reason greater than my mind can comprehend, she is gone. God used her death and He didn't need permission to do so.
Questioning is never wrong. I questioned her death just like I question my current life. It is a right that we have as humans to ask questions and search for answers. God gave us a well oiled mind to fight for the truth and as the Bible also says, "truth will set you free". Sometimes finding the truth brings pain. Pain we never imagined was possible. I say this to restate that healing is a PROCESS.
The 'group' that I go to every week is bringing A LOT of pain. I am utterly exhausted from it. But in return, I am learning more about myself than I thought possible. It isn't me doing this. The Holy Spirit is working in me to heal my heart so I can be a better mom and just honestly, BE ABBY! What a concept - to be ME! I lost sight of who that person was and is...
As I draw closer...well, I smile...and hope to do so more!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Obama or not...
I awoke this morning to find that 'change' is coming. To be honest, I am unsure about this change. Well, I will be more honest, I am scared of this 'change'. I don't trust this man to take care of our country, but I don't have a choice about that any longer.
I chose to vote for the lesser of two evils when I cast my vote. I wasn't anticipating greatness with either gentleman, however, one had to win the ballot.
My statement here, is that I will respect my new president, even though I didn't vote for him. I just ask that those who voted for him please remember that being an African American is not going to change this country, it must be from his character and his values. It is truly historic that Obama is our president, our first African American president, but we have to look past this and hope that his color is not the only reason he was elected. I pray that the change he is going to bring will take us to a stronger more dynamic future as an independent country. I hope that you pray along side me...for a real 'change'...a change of heart, toward unity.
I chose to vote for the lesser of two evils when I cast my vote. I wasn't anticipating greatness with either gentleman, however, one had to win the ballot.
My statement here, is that I will respect my new president, even though I didn't vote for him. I just ask that those who voted for him please remember that being an African American is not going to change this country, it must be from his character and his values. It is truly historic that Obama is our president, our first African American president, but we have to look past this and hope that his color is not the only reason he was elected. I pray that the change he is going to bring will take us to a stronger more dynamic future as an independent country. I hope that you pray along side me...for a real 'change'...a change of heart, toward unity.
Destinations...
Whether we realize it or not, we choose where we land.
For the last several months, I have been confused and frustrated about why my life turned out like this...If God is really in control, then why couldn't He protect me from myself? I saw the red flags, the warnings, the signs...whatever you want to call them, but "I" chose to ignore them and 'hope' for the best.
"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." Proverbs 27:12
I have never considered myself to be 'simple' but according to the Bible, I am indeed 'simple'. I set out on a path without a clear destination - relying on hope. My hope let me down because it wasn't grounded in truth or faith in the right foundation.
All the planning and preparation will not work unless we set out toward our particular destination. Without realizing it, I was, 8 years ago, setting out to be a single mom of three beautiful children.
No, I am not okay with where I am, but if I am to heal from this, then I must acknowledge my current path. I have been in denial for so very long, that the healing had not begun until now.
Since the divorce, I have made some not so great choices that have added to my pain, but I am going to admit that 'I' made them and move on from it. I saw the danger and didn't 'take refuge'...again I thought that as long as I believed that the best would happen, then indeed it would.
I think we can give ourselves a false sense of hope without realizing it because we just want the best.
So, you may be wondering what those 'dangers' were, and you will continue to wonder. I am trying to be honest in my writings but still remain private. I hope you understand this!
I am choosing to move forward and rely on the Lord to guide my heart toward a peaceful future. I will continue to make mistakes, that is part of needing Him to guide me...but...
"CHEERS" to the future...it is indeed brighter today.
For the last several months, I have been confused and frustrated about why my life turned out like this...If God is really in control, then why couldn't He protect me from myself? I saw the red flags, the warnings, the signs...whatever you want to call them, but "I" chose to ignore them and 'hope' for the best.
"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." Proverbs 27:12
I have never considered myself to be 'simple' but according to the Bible, I am indeed 'simple'. I set out on a path without a clear destination - relying on hope. My hope let me down because it wasn't grounded in truth or faith in the right foundation.
All the planning and preparation will not work unless we set out toward our particular destination. Without realizing it, I was, 8 years ago, setting out to be a single mom of three beautiful children.
No, I am not okay with where I am, but if I am to heal from this, then I must acknowledge my current path. I have been in denial for so very long, that the healing had not begun until now.
Since the divorce, I have made some not so great choices that have added to my pain, but I am going to admit that 'I' made them and move on from it. I saw the danger and didn't 'take refuge'...again I thought that as long as I believed that the best would happen, then indeed it would.
I think we can give ourselves a false sense of hope without realizing it because we just want the best.
So, you may be wondering what those 'dangers' were, and you will continue to wonder. I am trying to be honest in my writings but still remain private. I hope you understand this!
I am choosing to move forward and rely on the Lord to guide my heart toward a peaceful future. I will continue to make mistakes, that is part of needing Him to guide me...but...
"CHEERS" to the future...it is indeed brighter today.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My best friend...Erin
This dear person has stood beside me through so much crap and still loves me greater than any non-family person ever has!
I nearly pushed her away, well, I actually did when I was married. She didn't approve of what my marriage was doing to me, and I couldn't walk away from it, yet. I blocked my friendship with her. She NEVER encouraged me to leave my marriage, NEVER, but she was outspoken toward the effects it was having on me as a person and as a mother.
I went nearly a year without talking to her. She popped back in my life all of a sudden in the middle of Publix. No, not in person...on the phone. She called out of the blue and asked what was going on in my life. I told her that I filed for divorce and she screamed! Yes, loud enough for people at the other end of China to hear, and did. She wasn't happy about the divorce, but was happy about the new life ahead of me.
She has been my support and soundboard through all of this. She understands me and even when she doesn't she makes me laugh hard enough so that I forget the problem.
If we aren't laughing then I am crying and she is making me laugh so I don't cry.
Thank God she is my friend...I adore her and am blessed and better off just for knowing her. She is the bestest best friend a gal like me could ever have!
YES, I HAVE INSURANCE!
No one likes to be sick...don't know of anyone!
I started coughing last week and haven't stopped. Couldn't go to the doctor because I didn't have insurance. Yesterday at work, I had a coughing spell so bad that I nearly passed out. It honestly scared me! Well, my boss said that was enough and she was going to drive me to the hospital. I wouldn't let her. I told her that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet. She made a call, and it HAD indeed begun!
I got so excited!
I hate being sick and hate more going to the doctor but now I CAN infact, go to the doctor!
I went and got checked out and have bronchitis. I paid my co-pay with a HUGE smile and went to the pharmacy to get my antibiotic! I HAVE INSURANCE!
I don't have a way to clearly express my smile online, however, if i could...you could count all my teeth!
IT IS A TRUE MIRACLE!
I started coughing last week and haven't stopped. Couldn't go to the doctor because I didn't have insurance. Yesterday at work, I had a coughing spell so bad that I nearly passed out. It honestly scared me! Well, my boss said that was enough and she was going to drive me to the hospital. I wouldn't let her. I told her that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet. She made a call, and it HAD indeed begun!
I got so excited!
I hate being sick and hate more going to the doctor but now I CAN infact, go to the doctor!
I went and got checked out and have bronchitis. I paid my co-pay with a HUGE smile and went to the pharmacy to get my antibiotic! I HAVE INSURANCE!
I don't have a way to clearly express my smile online, however, if i could...you could count all my teeth!
IT IS A TRUE MIRACLE!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
recovery for four, please...
One month ago, I ventured into a land I did not desire to even stumble upon. I attended an emotional recovery group. I cried for days before hand. Yes, you are probably thinking that I am extremely emotional, and you would be right...and that would be a good reason to be at an 'emotional' recovery group!
I cried only because I am terrefied to stand before my life and relive pain. I decided I wasn't going to go, however a very inspirational friend told me that I had no choice. My children deserve for their mom to be whole~completely whole. So...
Four weeks ago I walked into a room of 6 other women and we began the struggle, together. To be honest, I can't stand it. I don't want to be there. I love those women, but I hate dealing with this pain. I am fighting with myself every time I go. I just look at my children and know that she was right, they DO deserve it!
For the next 18 weeks, I will be disecting my life and trodding toward this vision of healing. I have not tasted it yet, so it is only a vision. If I get there, you will know! I will scream from the roof-tops (well, maybe from the window) and share my joy. For now, I will sit and drink my coffee and realize I am not as screwed up as I was last week!
I cried only because I am terrefied to stand before my life and relive pain. I decided I wasn't going to go, however a very inspirational friend told me that I had no choice. My children deserve for their mom to be whole~completely whole. So...
Four weeks ago I walked into a room of 6 other women and we began the struggle, together. To be honest, I can't stand it. I don't want to be there. I love those women, but I hate dealing with this pain. I am fighting with myself every time I go. I just look at my children and know that she was right, they DO deserve it!
For the next 18 weeks, I will be disecting my life and trodding toward this vision of healing. I have not tasted it yet, so it is only a vision. If I get there, you will know! I will scream from the roof-tops (well, maybe from the window) and share my joy. For now, I will sit and drink my coffee and realize I am not as screwed up as I was last week!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Blue Ridge
First hot tub dip
Pa, JP, Grammie and Harleigh
Momma and JP
Pa explainin' the do's and don'ts of camp fires!
My momma and I
Caleb and Joshua
Roasting marshmellows and hotdogs
Caleb and momma
our day out in Blue Ridge
Dude is concentrating on his chips!
our day out in Blue Ridge
Dude is concentrating on his chips!
Isn't it beautiful...I want to make a life here!
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