Time to think...

Over the last several days, while getting reacquainted with my gag reflexes, I have had time to think about 'things'.
For many months I have tried to come to grips with my life and understanding what part God played in all of it. I mean, if I have free will and He is in control, then well, how does that work exactly?
The biggest problem in this scenario is that we (extremely addicted and controlling humans) try to do everything ourselves and then when it doesn't work out we tend to want to blame someone or something else ~ and that usually ends up being God.
God IS love and grace and mercy and yes, He is jealous of our time and devotion. He does not want 'bad' things to happen to us, His children, however when we are not following after Him then we are not under His complete care. Don't get me wrong, He doesn't remove His care...more like we walked out from under the umbrella. God doesn't move, WE do!
So when the rain is coming down in sheets or sprinkles, it is always best to check and see if we are indeed under HIS umbrella.
Now, let me say another thing. When 'bad' things happen, it isn't always our fault.
My aunt, my best friend, died 6 1/2 years ago. She was murdered. She did nothing wrong. My cousin did nothing wrong, yet she was laid to rest by her mother. I truly believe that God wept that day along with us. But as it says in Romans, "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, those who are called according to His purpose.". No where in there does it say according to 'our' purpose. We can't see the end result. I NEVER wanted my aunt to die, I still mourn her death. I loved her so very much, I can close my eyes and see her smile. But for a reason greater than my mind can comprehend, she is gone. God used her death and He didn't need permission to do so.
Questioning is never wrong. I questioned her death just like I question my current life. It is a right that we have as humans to ask questions and search for answers. God gave us a well oiled mind to fight for the truth and as the Bible also says, "truth will set you free". Sometimes finding the truth brings pain. Pain we never imagined was possible. I say this to restate that healing is a PROCESS.
The 'group' that I go to every week is bringing A LOT of pain. I am utterly exhausted from it. But in return, I am learning more about myself than I thought possible. It isn't me doing this. The Holy Spirit is working in me to heal my heart so I can be a better mom and just honestly, BE ABBY! What a concept - to be ME! I lost sight of who that person was and is...
As I draw closer...well, I smile...and hope to do so more!