Psalm 42

"My tears have been my food day and night..." As I read those words, I wept. King David knew how I felt. He knew my pain, he cried out in despair as his life had not turned out as he planned. But why feel sorrow? Why feel distress? It is a constant battle between the heart and mind and right now, I have lost score. I am a walking oxymoron...a logically emotional woman. Yes, my head screams logic but my heart cries out emotion. My head knows that my God has never walked away, nor will he ever...my heart knows that I have never felt such deep pain.
Later in that same passage is where I find my favorite name for God...El Chaiyai..."The God of my life."
Closing my eyes, I can picture myself laying in bed, at ten years of age, and dreaming of my life when I got older. I would marry a prince and we would live happily ever after in our beautiful home with 2 kids and a dog. But the greatest prize was that...he chose me.
He, my prince, had dressed in his most dashing princely attire to choose his bride. Opening the floor-to-ceiling doors, he was overwhelmed with beauty, for the room was overflowing with princesses desiring nothing more than to be his 'one and only'. He briskly walked past them, they did not hold the key to his heart...they did not grab his eye. He gazed the room and paused. Our eyes met and the room parted, he said nothing, grabbed my hand, placed the ring on my finger and we kissed (as only a 10 year old girl could imagine). The other girls were jealous but clapped nonetheless and they watched as we danced and danced and danced. He had chosen me.
His promise would surely endure...
Well, I dreamt of a fairytale, every little girl does in hopes that hers is real. I still dream of love, even while I cry in pain.
Why and how did I end up alone with three children? Hadn't I been mindful of my choices? Hadn't I been more careful with my life? Why? Where do I go now?
I am a 29 year old mom of three amazing children...and thank God I have them, but I am not going to lie, my life is hard. I am tired and lonely and scared.
This passage is my heart and my mind...the unceasing duel. My soul aches in pain, but I know the truth. He is and will forever be my Redeeming Love. He is not finished with me yet. He is fashioning me into the 'right' mom for my children...not the perfect. He is molding me into the lady he envisioned...not just another woman.
Even in the seemingly unending sorrow, He is still God. He is still King. So instead of dwelling on the 'what should have been', I will take a deep breathe, step forward and keep fighting for life and for dreams. So, dream on, Abby Lynn McFarlin, life isn't over, it is just beginning.