Paint on...

This past year has been hard, very hard. I have fought and kicked and even screamed at God because of my life. Angry to be exact. Mainly angry with myself. Angry that I allowed myself to get here.

Let me clarify. Ten years ago, I had it together, I was working and earning GREAT money and was planning on buying me a great car. I did buy it, a beautiful black 2000 Celica. Oh, she was so lovely. I adored that car! And it was ALL mine...well, I was making the payments on it. I was skinny and taking great care of myself. I LOVED life!

But for some reason I began to make the wrong decisions. I changed jobs and made some new friends, ones that I should have walked away from. I did, however, make some amazing friends whom I still adore. But I allowed the 'other' ones to impact my life in the wrong ways. I had always been so careful who I let into my life, but I have issue with control and pride. (yes, I am being VERY open here) And would never, ever let anyone tell me what to do. So, I continued to rebel. Don't get me wrong, I was still the 'good' girl because I would let myself rebel only so far (or so I thought). But anytime we go against the will of God, we are rebelling...there are no levels, it is just plain and simple.

I am responsible for my decisions in my life...it is a lesson that is taking me a long time to understand. I specifically use the word 'is' because it continues. That is the reason for my struggle with severe anger. Why did I let myself break God's plan? Why did I choose something different than His desires? Pride. Rebellion. Pure desire to control my own life.

I am capable of sharing all of this because I am experiencing freedom. God has forgiven me for my pride, for my rebellion...and I am working on forgiving myself. I have not doubted God's love for me...nor His faithfulness. He is who He says He is! My anger toward Him was because I wanted Him to step in and make me do the right thing and He didn't. He is a gentleman and I am not a robot for Him to control.

Freewill. He allowed me to make those decisions in my life and He is more than capable of making my life beautiful inspite of them. BUT, I must let Him create in me a new canvas. Being still is NOT easy.

In the words of Dr. Phil, "How's that working out for ya?"! HA. true, true, very true! IT ISN'T!

that is where my freedom and complete redemption flows...God being in control. I love life and yet, it isn't mine. If I am to be the lady that He designed, I must realize that it is NOT too late and I must resign my rights. He is NOT my co-pilot...I am the passenger and He flies solo!

from this point on, I am real, I am free and I am indeed a new creation that is being designed with His paint brush. Paint on, Jesus, paint on!