I am pushing forward in the venture to lose weight. I have lost a total of 40 pounds in the last year and continue onward.
February is the goal to lost 25-30 more...Can I do it? we shall see, all of us...whatever the result, it will be posted in picture form. A picture of me in my bathing suit, yep, still on...
I have lost 7 pounds since starting 6 weeks ago...very hard to lose weight, but I have to say that the weight doesn't come off as quickly as the 'sizes'. I went clothes shopping this weekend and am truely smaller...the size I was wearing 6 weeks ago, only fits in pants...shirts are too big, and skirts didn't fit right. FLIPPING FANATSTIC!!
Onward I go, to the skinny lady hiding inside....
Monday, November 24, 2008
Butterfly wings...
Do you ever feel caught in the middle of the world you wish you inhabited and the world that has swallowed your breath? Right now, that is my existence, but was given a kiss on the cheek by my God yesterday...
Setting out to bless a family should be a joyous experience, however, I was terrified to be doing this. Some of the greatest people I know put together a 'feast delivery' for a family in need and I was bringing them ingredients for (what I hear to be) a very delicious punch. My stomach ached for the butterflies were crowded. More time than not, over the last several years, my children and I had been on the other end...the receivers of the baskets...the receivers of the groceries and overwhelming gracious love.
I have prayed so very long to one day be on the other side, the deliverer of the basket...so, why was my heart pacing, why was I so scared. I was facing pain not yet healed. It was a little blessing to actually not know to whom we were delivering, until half way down the road (while walking)...couldn't turn around and run (however, my heart beat to disappear).
She has lived similar pain, similar devastation...she is a single mom, too. I wasn't ready for this, but for some reason God led me to this place. Surrounded by friends, of whom have hearts of pure gold, I kept walking. Indians, pilgrims and I (your thanksgiving seasoning, salt and pepper)...we walked toward their door, and they were ready. She opened not only her door, but her heart. She was pure 'joy', pure presence of the LORD...and I was so scared. Having been hurt by Christians so much this past year, I found myself crouching down behind everyone not wanting to be involved.
I slowly melted and took a leap...I spoke to her. We immediately bonded and hugged with tears filling our eyes. Our hearts were joined as we both shared our stories - we shared pain and frustration...though, she continued in strength and steadfast faith. I have wavered and struggled. This is a lady that I want to know, to listen to her heart, to share a cup of coffee and just 'be' in her presence. For what seemed like forever, we talked about our children, our lives and just how much we have in common. I look forward to our next 'talk', very soon.
Being thankful for butterflies that do indeed have wings...that is my thanksgiving joy. I am not alone, and the fear that so often seems to reside in my stomach, flew away last night...
I took a step forward in this life, toward a world of peace and joy...it still seems distant, but with family and friends that light the midnight sky, I am closer than the day before.
Setting out to bless a family should be a joyous experience, however, I was terrified to be doing this. Some of the greatest people I know put together a 'feast delivery' for a family in need and I was bringing them ingredients for (what I hear to be) a very delicious punch. My stomach ached for the butterflies were crowded. More time than not, over the last several years, my children and I had been on the other end...the receivers of the baskets...the receivers of the groceries and overwhelming gracious love.
I have prayed so very long to one day be on the other side, the deliverer of the basket...so, why was my heart pacing, why was I so scared. I was facing pain not yet healed. It was a little blessing to actually not know to whom we were delivering, until half way down the road (while walking)...couldn't turn around and run (however, my heart beat to disappear).
She has lived similar pain, similar devastation...she is a single mom, too. I wasn't ready for this, but for some reason God led me to this place. Surrounded by friends, of whom have hearts of pure gold, I kept walking. Indians, pilgrims and I (your thanksgiving seasoning, salt and pepper)...we walked toward their door, and they were ready. She opened not only her door, but her heart. She was pure 'joy', pure presence of the LORD...and I was so scared. Having been hurt by Christians so much this past year, I found myself crouching down behind everyone not wanting to be involved.
I slowly melted and took a leap...I spoke to her. We immediately bonded and hugged with tears filling our eyes. Our hearts were joined as we both shared our stories - we shared pain and frustration...though, she continued in strength and steadfast faith. I have wavered and struggled. This is a lady that I want to know, to listen to her heart, to share a cup of coffee and just 'be' in her presence. For what seemed like forever, we talked about our children, our lives and just how much we have in common. I look forward to our next 'talk', very soon.
Being thankful for butterflies that do indeed have wings...that is my thanksgiving joy. I am not alone, and the fear that so often seems to reside in my stomach, flew away last night...
I took a step forward in this life, toward a world of peace and joy...it still seems distant, but with family and friends that light the midnight sky, I am closer than the day before.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Harleigh Alexis Sutton
the 18 month old princess!
Little 2 year old
Blue Eyes Stinker Princess
Static Electricity meet Harleigh
Harleigh and her little doll - they love to dress alike!
Halloween 2007
Preschool Graduate 2007!!!
Harleigh (who was still 5)
THE DANCER!
ISN'T SHE STUNNING?!
THE DANCER!
ISN'T SHE STUNNING?!November 5, 2002, I began laboring to see my first child born. Twenty seven hours later, on November 6, 2002 at 451pm, Harleigh Alexis was born. She was perfect. Her hair a slight reddish blonde, crystal blue eyes and the lungs of a gorilla.
I opened my arms and wiped my eyes to welcome this precious princess into my life. Everything would change from this point on...and it has. I love her more than my heart could have ever comprehended. I adore her. I have uploaded some pictures of her, this brilliant independent child...who, by the way, can now tell you how old she is on TWO hands!!
A piece of my soap (box)
Recession....seriously?
I am about to my end with hearing this is a recession or even the beginning of one. COME ON, PEOPLE! Does anyone remember studying the Great Depression? I DO!
These people stood in line to buy bread - NOT A WII!
They didn't have credit cards they could no longer pay, they didn't have a mortgage on a house they couldn't afford and they sure didn't have a car that is in danger of repossession! They had REAL money - not loaned money!
Yes, I know that it is hard right now. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! However, the majority of the United States is in trouble because of our own fault! We borrowed and begged for money and now we can't pay it back and are losing things we didn't really own. Just because you finance it and pay for it, doesn't mean it is YOURS!
I lost my house. My house was taken back because I couldn't afford it. I am not immune to this. I am not speaking out of place. I have a house that is under current foreclosure. But I am also not going to stand up and say that we are in a recession.
OH MY GOODNESS...really! I get so upset when thinking about this. We, as a country, are used to buying what we want when we want it...and now we can't!
I have one big bad word for you...BUDGET! OH NO, there I said it! USE IT! You work hard, or are supposed to, for your money, so make it work for you!
Come on, people! Get off your butts and work hard to keep what you have. Yes, our government made some bad decisions...but when has the government really had our best in mind? Really! think about it...hopefully you don't have too think hard.
If you are indeed working, then don't stop. Keep working and keep your money (if a certain person will let us, that is).
Next time you are in line to buy something other than milk and bread...be thankful! It could be A LOT worse!
I am about to my end with hearing this is a recession or even the beginning of one. COME ON, PEOPLE! Does anyone remember studying the Great Depression? I DO!
These people stood in line to buy bread - NOT A WII!
They didn't have credit cards they could no longer pay, they didn't have a mortgage on a house they couldn't afford and they sure didn't have a car that is in danger of repossession! They had REAL money - not loaned money!
Yes, I know that it is hard right now. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW! However, the majority of the United States is in trouble because of our own fault! We borrowed and begged for money and now we can't pay it back and are losing things we didn't really own. Just because you finance it and pay for it, doesn't mean it is YOURS!
I lost my house. My house was taken back because I couldn't afford it. I am not immune to this. I am not speaking out of place. I have a house that is under current foreclosure. But I am also not going to stand up and say that we are in a recession.
OH MY GOODNESS...really! I get so upset when thinking about this. We, as a country, are used to buying what we want when we want it...and now we can't!
I have one big bad word for you...BUDGET! OH NO, there I said it! USE IT! You work hard, or are supposed to, for your money, so make it work for you!
Come on, people! Get off your butts and work hard to keep what you have. Yes, our government made some bad decisions...but when has the government really had our best in mind? Really! think about it...hopefully you don't have too think hard.
If you are indeed working, then don't stop. Keep working and keep your money (if a certain person will let us, that is).
Next time you are in line to buy something other than milk and bread...be thankful! It could be A LOT worse!
Time to think...
Over the last several days, while getting reacquainted with my gag reflexes, I have had time to think about 'things'.
For many months I have tried to come to grips with my life and understanding what part God played in all of it. I mean, if I have free will and He is in control, then well, how does that work exactly?
The biggest problem in this scenario is that we (extremely addicted and controlling humans) try to do everything ourselves and then when it doesn't work out we tend to want to blame someone or something else ~ and that usually ends up being God.
God IS love and grace and mercy and yes, He is jealous of our time and devotion. He does not want 'bad' things to happen to us, His children, however when we are not following after Him then we are not under His complete care. Don't get me wrong, He doesn't remove His care...more like we walked out from under the umbrella. God doesn't move, WE do!
So when the rain is coming down in sheets or sprinkles, it is always best to check and see if we are indeed under HIS umbrella.
Now, let me say another thing. When 'bad' things happen, it isn't always our fault.
My aunt, my best friend, died 6 1/2 years ago. She was murdered. She did nothing wrong. My cousin did nothing wrong, yet she was laid to rest by her mother. I truly believe that God wept that day along with us. But as it says in Romans, "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, those who are called according to His purpose.". No where in there does it say according to 'our' purpose. We can't see the end result. I NEVER wanted my aunt to die, I still mourn her death. I loved her so very much, I can close my eyes and see her smile. But for a reason greater than my mind can comprehend, she is gone. God used her death and He didn't need permission to do so.
Questioning is never wrong. I questioned her death just like I question my current life. It is a right that we have as humans to ask questions and search for answers. God gave us a well oiled mind to fight for the truth and as the Bible also says, "truth will set you free". Sometimes finding the truth brings pain. Pain we never imagined was possible. I say this to restate that healing is a PROCESS.
The 'group' that I go to every week is bringing A LOT of pain. I am utterly exhausted from it. But in return, I am learning more about myself than I thought possible. It isn't me doing this. The Holy Spirit is working in me to heal my heart so I can be a better mom and just honestly, BE ABBY! What a concept - to be ME! I lost sight of who that person was and is...
As I draw closer...well, I smile...and hope to do so more!
For many months I have tried to come to grips with my life and understanding what part God played in all of it. I mean, if I have free will and He is in control, then well, how does that work exactly?
The biggest problem in this scenario is that we (extremely addicted and controlling humans) try to do everything ourselves and then when it doesn't work out we tend to want to blame someone or something else ~ and that usually ends up being God.
God IS love and grace and mercy and yes, He is jealous of our time and devotion. He does not want 'bad' things to happen to us, His children, however when we are not following after Him then we are not under His complete care. Don't get me wrong, He doesn't remove His care...more like we walked out from under the umbrella. God doesn't move, WE do!
So when the rain is coming down in sheets or sprinkles, it is always best to check and see if we are indeed under HIS umbrella.
Now, let me say another thing. When 'bad' things happen, it isn't always our fault.
My aunt, my best friend, died 6 1/2 years ago. She was murdered. She did nothing wrong. My cousin did nothing wrong, yet she was laid to rest by her mother. I truly believe that God wept that day along with us. But as it says in Romans, "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, those who are called according to His purpose.". No where in there does it say according to 'our' purpose. We can't see the end result. I NEVER wanted my aunt to die, I still mourn her death. I loved her so very much, I can close my eyes and see her smile. But for a reason greater than my mind can comprehend, she is gone. God used her death and He didn't need permission to do so.
Questioning is never wrong. I questioned her death just like I question my current life. It is a right that we have as humans to ask questions and search for answers. God gave us a well oiled mind to fight for the truth and as the Bible also says, "truth will set you free". Sometimes finding the truth brings pain. Pain we never imagined was possible. I say this to restate that healing is a PROCESS.
The 'group' that I go to every week is bringing A LOT of pain. I am utterly exhausted from it. But in return, I am learning more about myself than I thought possible. It isn't me doing this. The Holy Spirit is working in me to heal my heart so I can be a better mom and just honestly, BE ABBY! What a concept - to be ME! I lost sight of who that person was and is...
As I draw closer...well, I smile...and hope to do so more!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Obama or not...
I awoke this morning to find that 'change' is coming. To be honest, I am unsure about this change. Well, I will be more honest, I am scared of this 'change'. I don't trust this man to take care of our country, but I don't have a choice about that any longer.
I chose to vote for the lesser of two evils when I cast my vote. I wasn't anticipating greatness with either gentleman, however, one had to win the ballot.
My statement here, is that I will respect my new president, even though I didn't vote for him. I just ask that those who voted for him please remember that being an African American is not going to change this country, it must be from his character and his values. It is truly historic that Obama is our president, our first African American president, but we have to look past this and hope that his color is not the only reason he was elected. I pray that the change he is going to bring will take us to a stronger more dynamic future as an independent country. I hope that you pray along side me...for a real 'change'...a change of heart, toward unity.
I chose to vote for the lesser of two evils when I cast my vote. I wasn't anticipating greatness with either gentleman, however, one had to win the ballot.
My statement here, is that I will respect my new president, even though I didn't vote for him. I just ask that those who voted for him please remember that being an African American is not going to change this country, it must be from his character and his values. It is truly historic that Obama is our president, our first African American president, but we have to look past this and hope that his color is not the only reason he was elected. I pray that the change he is going to bring will take us to a stronger more dynamic future as an independent country. I hope that you pray along side me...for a real 'change'...a change of heart, toward unity.
Destinations...
Whether we realize it or not, we choose where we land.
For the last several months, I have been confused and frustrated about why my life turned out like this...If God is really in control, then why couldn't He protect me from myself? I saw the red flags, the warnings, the signs...whatever you want to call them, but "I" chose to ignore them and 'hope' for the best.
"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." Proverbs 27:12
I have never considered myself to be 'simple' but according to the Bible, I am indeed 'simple'. I set out on a path without a clear destination - relying on hope. My hope let me down because it wasn't grounded in truth or faith in the right foundation.
All the planning and preparation will not work unless we set out toward our particular destination. Without realizing it, I was, 8 years ago, setting out to be a single mom of three beautiful children.
No, I am not okay with where I am, but if I am to heal from this, then I must acknowledge my current path. I have been in denial for so very long, that the healing had not begun until now.
Since the divorce, I have made some not so great choices that have added to my pain, but I am going to admit that 'I' made them and move on from it. I saw the danger and didn't 'take refuge'...again I thought that as long as I believed that the best would happen, then indeed it would.
I think we can give ourselves a false sense of hope without realizing it because we just want the best.
So, you may be wondering what those 'dangers' were, and you will continue to wonder. I am trying to be honest in my writings but still remain private. I hope you understand this!
I am choosing to move forward and rely on the Lord to guide my heart toward a peaceful future. I will continue to make mistakes, that is part of needing Him to guide me...but...
"CHEERS" to the future...it is indeed brighter today.
For the last several months, I have been confused and frustrated about why my life turned out like this...If God is really in control, then why couldn't He protect me from myself? I saw the red flags, the warnings, the signs...whatever you want to call them, but "I" chose to ignore them and 'hope' for the best.
"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it." Proverbs 27:12
I have never considered myself to be 'simple' but according to the Bible, I am indeed 'simple'. I set out on a path without a clear destination - relying on hope. My hope let me down because it wasn't grounded in truth or faith in the right foundation.
All the planning and preparation will not work unless we set out toward our particular destination. Without realizing it, I was, 8 years ago, setting out to be a single mom of three beautiful children.
No, I am not okay with where I am, but if I am to heal from this, then I must acknowledge my current path. I have been in denial for so very long, that the healing had not begun until now.
Since the divorce, I have made some not so great choices that have added to my pain, but I am going to admit that 'I' made them and move on from it. I saw the danger and didn't 'take refuge'...again I thought that as long as I believed that the best would happen, then indeed it would.
I think we can give ourselves a false sense of hope without realizing it because we just want the best.
So, you may be wondering what those 'dangers' were, and you will continue to wonder. I am trying to be honest in my writings but still remain private. I hope you understand this!
I am choosing to move forward and rely on the Lord to guide my heart toward a peaceful future. I will continue to make mistakes, that is part of needing Him to guide me...but...
"CHEERS" to the future...it is indeed brighter today.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My best friend...Erin
This dear person has stood beside me through so much crap and still loves me greater than any non-family person ever has!
I nearly pushed her away, well, I actually did when I was married. She didn't approve of what my marriage was doing to me, and I couldn't walk away from it, yet. I blocked my friendship with her. She NEVER encouraged me to leave my marriage, NEVER, but she was outspoken toward the effects it was having on me as a person and as a mother.
I went nearly a year without talking to her. She popped back in my life all of a sudden in the middle of Publix. No, not in person...on the phone. She called out of the blue and asked what was going on in my life. I told her that I filed for divorce and she screamed! Yes, loud enough for people at the other end of China to hear, and did. She wasn't happy about the divorce, but was happy about the new life ahead of me.
She has been my support and soundboard through all of this. She understands me and even when she doesn't she makes me laugh hard enough so that I forget the problem.
If we aren't laughing then I am crying and she is making me laugh so I don't cry.
Thank God she is my friend...I adore her and am blessed and better off just for knowing her. She is the bestest best friend a gal like me could ever have!
YES, I HAVE INSURANCE!
No one likes to be sick...don't know of anyone!
I started coughing last week and haven't stopped. Couldn't go to the doctor because I didn't have insurance. Yesterday at work, I had a coughing spell so bad that I nearly passed out. It honestly scared me! Well, my boss said that was enough and she was going to drive me to the hospital. I wouldn't let her. I told her that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet. She made a call, and it HAD indeed begun!
I got so excited!
I hate being sick and hate more going to the doctor but now I CAN infact, go to the doctor!
I went and got checked out and have bronchitis. I paid my co-pay with a HUGE smile and went to the pharmacy to get my antibiotic! I HAVE INSURANCE!
I don't have a way to clearly express my smile online, however, if i could...you could count all my teeth!
IT IS A TRUE MIRACLE!
I started coughing last week and haven't stopped. Couldn't go to the doctor because I didn't have insurance. Yesterday at work, I had a coughing spell so bad that I nearly passed out. It honestly scared me! Well, my boss said that was enough and she was going to drive me to the hospital. I wouldn't let her. I told her that my insurance hadn't kicked in yet. She made a call, and it HAD indeed begun!
I got so excited!
I hate being sick and hate more going to the doctor but now I CAN infact, go to the doctor!
I went and got checked out and have bronchitis. I paid my co-pay with a HUGE smile and went to the pharmacy to get my antibiotic! I HAVE INSURANCE!
I don't have a way to clearly express my smile online, however, if i could...you could count all my teeth!
IT IS A TRUE MIRACLE!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
recovery for four, please...
One month ago, I ventured into a land I did not desire to even stumble upon. I attended an emotional recovery group. I cried for days before hand. Yes, you are probably thinking that I am extremely emotional, and you would be right...and that would be a good reason to be at an 'emotional' recovery group!
I cried only because I am terrefied to stand before my life and relive pain. I decided I wasn't going to go, however a very inspirational friend told me that I had no choice. My children deserve for their mom to be whole~completely whole. So...
Four weeks ago I walked into a room of 6 other women and we began the struggle, together. To be honest, I can't stand it. I don't want to be there. I love those women, but I hate dealing with this pain. I am fighting with myself every time I go. I just look at my children and know that she was right, they DO deserve it!
For the next 18 weeks, I will be disecting my life and trodding toward this vision of healing. I have not tasted it yet, so it is only a vision. If I get there, you will know! I will scream from the roof-tops (well, maybe from the window) and share my joy. For now, I will sit and drink my coffee and realize I am not as screwed up as I was last week!
I cried only because I am terrefied to stand before my life and relive pain. I decided I wasn't going to go, however a very inspirational friend told me that I had no choice. My children deserve for their mom to be whole~completely whole. So...
Four weeks ago I walked into a room of 6 other women and we began the struggle, together. To be honest, I can't stand it. I don't want to be there. I love those women, but I hate dealing with this pain. I am fighting with myself every time I go. I just look at my children and know that she was right, they DO deserve it!
For the next 18 weeks, I will be disecting my life and trodding toward this vision of healing. I have not tasted it yet, so it is only a vision. If I get there, you will know! I will scream from the roof-tops (well, maybe from the window) and share my joy. For now, I will sit and drink my coffee and realize I am not as screwed up as I was last week!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Blue Ridge
First hot tub dip
Pa, JP, Grammie and Harleigh
Momma and JP
Pa explainin' the do's and don'ts of camp fires!
My momma and I
Caleb and Joshua
Roasting marshmellows and hotdogs
Caleb and momma
our day out in Blue Ridge
Dude is concentrating on his chips!
our day out in Blue Ridge
Dude is concentrating on his chips!
Isn't it beautiful...I want to make a life here!
The FIRST day...
Tomorrow embarks a new journey for me. I am going to publicly lose weight.
I am in necessary need of losing pounds. I am not obese but health issues have plagued me for several years and I know that losing pounds would help ease that struggle.
Here is the deal. At work, 4 of my fellow dieters and I have engaged in a competition. Whoever loses the highest percentage of weight will win...we have yet to decide the prize. The idea stems from "The Biggest Loser" shows, however we will not have a personal trainer.
Motivation by humiliation...here is my personal motivation. Whatever my weight at the end of the game (February 16), I will post a picture of myself in a bathing suit on my page! I can either lose the weight and look my best, or I can not do it and be horrified by the results broadcast online!
STAY TUNED for updates!!!
I am in necessary need of losing pounds. I am not obese but health issues have plagued me for several years and I know that losing pounds would help ease that struggle.
Here is the deal. At work, 4 of my fellow dieters and I have engaged in a competition. Whoever loses the highest percentage of weight will win...we have yet to decide the prize. The idea stems from "The Biggest Loser" shows, however we will not have a personal trainer.
Motivation by humiliation...here is my personal motivation. Whatever my weight at the end of the game (February 16), I will post a picture of myself in a bathing suit on my page! I can either lose the weight and look my best, or I can not do it and be horrified by the results broadcast online!
STAY TUNED for updates!!!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Caleb playin' soccer
Caleb giving his coach some lovin'
I am a proud momma
My absolute FAVORITE picture!!!
Harleigh and momma watchin Caba play...
it was a bit hot out!
Random pics
Harleigh and Mommy going on a tea party trip.
thought I would get the started young on shaving...
At our tea party...Mommy, Harleigh and Grammie
JP's first day of school...all my big kids.
we say "YES" to child labor...
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
right now, yeah....it's hard
It has been a few weeks since my last posting...less time, less postings.
Right now, breathing is hard and it isn't bronchitis. I am just tired. I am frustrated and laying pretty low.
My birthday was 2 weeks ago today and that was a hard day. I stayed at home and cried most of the day. Birthdays tend to be reflections of our lives; are we where we thought we should be by this particular time? For me, I was devestated. I am a 29 year old single mom of three beautiful babies...starving for direction on how to provide for them.
I understand that life could be worse, so if that is what you are thinking, I know it already. BUT, I am tired of being on the bottom. I want to be above water for a while.
Please don't get me wrong here...everything I have been writting is true. God has been providing for us and leading us down this rocky path. However, right now I just want to see a little bit furthur than the tips of my toes.
I started my job last week and it is great. I get my first paycheck this friday and it is already spent. I barely sleep at night because my mind doesn't stop rolling about how to move forward.
Last wednesday I raced to Atlanta thinking I was going to be on time. I was late. I parked 5 blocks from the building and ran shoeless down Spring Street. I got there just in time - in time to hear my ex-husbands bankruptcy attorney say that he is free and clear of any and all responsibility in the foreclosure of our home. Yes, a run down...it is all on me now. I am scared to death. I am trying so hard to do the right thing. I am trying to pay off all my debt and stand tall by not filing bankruptcy.
But here I am terrefied that I might not have any other choice. And if I don't file then I face foreclosure and a possible law suit from the mortgage company. And if they don't come after me right away for the money, it could be anytime in the next few years.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to take care of my kids.
I dream of a future that consists of me not depending on anyone for anything. I want my parents to be able to enjoy being grandparents...that isn't happening right now. (that will be another post.)
I do love my job, I do. For most people they go to work thinking about needing a break - my job IS my break. I don't have to think about anything that I have to do, I can focus on helping families say goodbye to their loved ones. That is my focus from 9-4.
I am tired, frustrated, sad and extremely lonely. I fear that I traded one lonely life for another.
God what is your plan for me...I can't do this alone. I can't spend my life crying myself to sleep and scraping the concealer to hide the puffy eyes. I know you came to give me life abundantly, when does it start? Where does it start? How do I get there?
I can't, You can - PLEASE DO!!!
Right now, breathing is hard and it isn't bronchitis. I am just tired. I am frustrated and laying pretty low.
My birthday was 2 weeks ago today and that was a hard day. I stayed at home and cried most of the day. Birthdays tend to be reflections of our lives; are we where we thought we should be by this particular time? For me, I was devestated. I am a 29 year old single mom of three beautiful babies...starving for direction on how to provide for them.
I understand that life could be worse, so if that is what you are thinking, I know it already. BUT, I am tired of being on the bottom. I want to be above water for a while.
Please don't get me wrong here...everything I have been writting is true. God has been providing for us and leading us down this rocky path. However, right now I just want to see a little bit furthur than the tips of my toes.
I started my job last week and it is great. I get my first paycheck this friday and it is already spent. I barely sleep at night because my mind doesn't stop rolling about how to move forward.
Last wednesday I raced to Atlanta thinking I was going to be on time. I was late. I parked 5 blocks from the building and ran shoeless down Spring Street. I got there just in time - in time to hear my ex-husbands bankruptcy attorney say that he is free and clear of any and all responsibility in the foreclosure of our home. Yes, a run down...it is all on me now. I am scared to death. I am trying so hard to do the right thing. I am trying to pay off all my debt and stand tall by not filing bankruptcy.
But here I am terrefied that I might not have any other choice. And if I don't file then I face foreclosure and a possible law suit from the mortgage company. And if they don't come after me right away for the money, it could be anytime in the next few years.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to take care of my kids.
I dream of a future that consists of me not depending on anyone for anything. I want my parents to be able to enjoy being grandparents...that isn't happening right now. (that will be another post.)
I do love my job, I do. For most people they go to work thinking about needing a break - my job IS my break. I don't have to think about anything that I have to do, I can focus on helping families say goodbye to their loved ones. That is my focus from 9-4.
I am tired, frustrated, sad and extremely lonely. I fear that I traded one lonely life for another.
God what is your plan for me...I can't do this alone. I can't spend my life crying myself to sleep and scraping the concealer to hide the puffy eyes. I know you came to give me life abundantly, when does it start? Where does it start? How do I get there?
I can't, You can - PLEASE DO!!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
school years....
Harleigh and Caleb are ready to go!
Momma and Caba...
My big girl eating her breakfast...she is SO beautiful!!!
Monday, August 11, 2008
And so the journey has begun....well, took a step forward.
This morning I rolled out of bed with a smile. Yes, today was to be a great day! My daughter, Harleigh, started Kindergarten and Caleb started Pre-K 4! A huge leap in their lives! I am so proud of them. So very proud.
The rough spot came when mom, yes - me, lost it. I stayed up late last night laying out all their belongings. I laid out their clothes, book bags, any papers that needed to be returned and even a change of clothes for Caleb. Harleigh had her clean nap mat and her 'healthy' snack. I was ready! Here is the drop off - I didn't plan on a smooth route to take this morning. I certainly didn't plan it right when I had the times wrong! YES!!! I had the start times all wrong. I got Caleb to school on time, but Harleigh was 15 minutes late. Oh, my heart sank! I thought I was getting her there on time, well at the end of 'right on time'. She became tardy when I was dropping off Caleb at 745a. She can get to school anytime between 720a and 745a. Caleb can't be dropped off til 745a. Had I correctly planned this out, it would have worked smoothly. Nope. I had it backwards!
I cried the whole way home. My daughter was late to her first day of school...her record, demolished! Thankfully they didn't count this one as tardy! I was beyond thankful! I paid for her lunch with downcast eyes as I felt I had failed her.
Seriously, I have performance issues. I want to make everyone happy ALL THE TIME! I can't. My daughter proved to love me no matter what. She didn't even notice that she was late. She is magnificent! She waltzed right in there with her head held high and hair bouncing. She is beautiful - truly a ray of light. How could I be more blessed?
I have, since arriving home feeling like a complete failure, read a couple chapters in a book titled, "Parenting isn't for Cowards". Yep, felt appropriate!
So far, I see the err of my ways. I am not a failure. I expect too much perfection. I expect to be the best. Sadly, this will carry on to my children. I will not let it.
Here I am shouting - I am stupid at times. I am silly and 'obnoxious' at times. I am a spaz. Yes, I fail. But to my children I am a hero. More importantly, to my God - I am His blessed creation.
A very big sigh and a new plan - we will arrive on time tomorrow!
The rough spot came when mom, yes - me, lost it. I stayed up late last night laying out all their belongings. I laid out their clothes, book bags, any papers that needed to be returned and even a change of clothes for Caleb. Harleigh had her clean nap mat and her 'healthy' snack. I was ready! Here is the drop off - I didn't plan on a smooth route to take this morning. I certainly didn't plan it right when I had the times wrong! YES!!! I had the start times all wrong. I got Caleb to school on time, but Harleigh was 15 minutes late. Oh, my heart sank! I thought I was getting her there on time, well at the end of 'right on time'. She became tardy when I was dropping off Caleb at 745a. She can get to school anytime between 720a and 745a. Caleb can't be dropped off til 745a. Had I correctly planned this out, it would have worked smoothly. Nope. I had it backwards!
I cried the whole way home. My daughter was late to her first day of school...her record, demolished! Thankfully they didn't count this one as tardy! I was beyond thankful! I paid for her lunch with downcast eyes as I felt I had failed her.
Seriously, I have performance issues. I want to make everyone happy ALL THE TIME! I can't. My daughter proved to love me no matter what. She didn't even notice that she was late. She is magnificent! She waltzed right in there with her head held high and hair bouncing. She is beautiful - truly a ray of light. How could I be more blessed?
I have, since arriving home feeling like a complete failure, read a couple chapters in a book titled, "Parenting isn't for Cowards". Yep, felt appropriate!
So far, I see the err of my ways. I am not a failure. I expect too much perfection. I expect to be the best. Sadly, this will carry on to my children. I will not let it.
Here I am shouting - I am stupid at times. I am silly and 'obnoxious' at times. I am a spaz. Yes, I fail. But to my children I am a hero. More importantly, to my God - I am His blessed creation.
A very big sigh and a new plan - we will arrive on time tomorrow!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Reality check...
I began this blog about something else entirely but felt led to go in another direction.
What is 'grace'? Is it something we are born knowing? Is it a feeling? Well, sadly some have it and some don't. Some think they do and actually are brutally mistaken.
I have experienced the gift of true grace and have also tasted the bitterness of judgement. Awful truth, the judgement came from those that call themselves Christians.
I am a follower of Christ, but I have to understand the reality that not all 'Christians' can be trusted. When we begin to fathom the vast love of Jesus, we let go of our faith in humanity and grasp with all our might onto the endless passion Christ has for us. He died for me. He rose again for me. My dog wouldn't do that! In fact, a former Sunday School teacher wouldn't do that.
After I filed for divorce, I had some people remove themselves from me. Yes, it isn't exaggerated. They did. I confronted them (bravely, through e-mail) and questioned their actions. They responded by saying (typing) that they didn't understand my actions and without an explanation they couldn't associate themselves with me. I thought this was just a rash decision that would wash away with time. Nah. It was, again, reality.
I explained to them that I made a decision based on my relationship with Christ. He died to free us from the binds of the Old Testament Law, so that we could live under the blanket of His freedom in GRACE. I also stated that since my decision was based on my relationship with Christ, and not theirs, then if I were mistaken, I would answer to Him, not anyone else.
Four months after this e-mail interaction, they had still not even said hello to me.
I say all of this, not to blab of my hurt feelings, but to acknowledge the fact that humanity is not completely trustworthy. Our trust belongs to Christ and Christ alone.
I trust Christ, not necessarily His creation. He never said to give my all to my fellow man. He said to love my neighbor as myself - didn't say anything about trust. True love extends past hurts and misunderstandings; it extends past the ability to trust.
Those that freely walked away from me, I still love, I honestly do not have bitterness towards them. I pray that they never experience that graceless reaction from anyone, truly. That is, sadly one of the worst parts of my divorce. I saw that Christians can hurt more than the world. We must pray that people see Christ, not us...we fail, daily. We are not Him - He lives in us making us better, but not perfect.
So for those reading this...Love those around you, even when you don't understand their life. Love them. Sometimes all they might need is a smile. You don't have to agree with them to love them - just LOVE. I could break into song here, but won't. Choose love, choose grace - always grace!
What is 'grace'? Is it something we are born knowing? Is it a feeling? Well, sadly some have it and some don't. Some think they do and actually are brutally mistaken.
I have experienced the gift of true grace and have also tasted the bitterness of judgement. Awful truth, the judgement came from those that call themselves Christians.
I am a follower of Christ, but I have to understand the reality that not all 'Christians' can be trusted. When we begin to fathom the vast love of Jesus, we let go of our faith in humanity and grasp with all our might onto the endless passion Christ has for us. He died for me. He rose again for me. My dog wouldn't do that! In fact, a former Sunday School teacher wouldn't do that.
After I filed for divorce, I had some people remove themselves from me. Yes, it isn't exaggerated. They did. I confronted them (bravely, through e-mail) and questioned their actions. They responded by saying (typing) that they didn't understand my actions and without an explanation they couldn't associate themselves with me. I thought this was just a rash decision that would wash away with time. Nah. It was, again, reality.
I explained to them that I made a decision based on my relationship with Christ. He died to free us from the binds of the Old Testament Law, so that we could live under the blanket of His freedom in GRACE. I also stated that since my decision was based on my relationship with Christ, and not theirs, then if I were mistaken, I would answer to Him, not anyone else.
Four months after this e-mail interaction, they had still not even said hello to me.
I say all of this, not to blab of my hurt feelings, but to acknowledge the fact that humanity is not completely trustworthy. Our trust belongs to Christ and Christ alone.
I trust Christ, not necessarily His creation. He never said to give my all to my fellow man. He said to love my neighbor as myself - didn't say anything about trust. True love extends past hurts and misunderstandings; it extends past the ability to trust.
Those that freely walked away from me, I still love, I honestly do not have bitterness towards them. I pray that they never experience that graceless reaction from anyone, truly. That is, sadly one of the worst parts of my divorce. I saw that Christians can hurt more than the world. We must pray that people see Christ, not us...we fail, daily. We are not Him - He lives in us making us better, but not perfect.
So for those reading this...Love those around you, even when you don't understand their life. Love them. Sometimes all they might need is a smile. You don't have to agree with them to love them - just LOVE. I could break into song here, but won't. Choose love, choose grace - always grace!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Harleigh in kindergarten!!! Holy Smokes!
Waving as she goes by...Presenting the kindergartner - Harleigh!
Can you tell she is excited??
Her first lunch as a kindergartner
Harleigh and her teacher Mrs. Chapman
Me and my big girl...
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