right now, yeah....it's hard

It has been a few weeks since my last posting...less time, less postings.

Right now, breathing is hard and it isn't bronchitis. I am just tired. I am frustrated and laying pretty low.

My birthday was 2 weeks ago today and that was a hard day. I stayed at home and cried most of the day. Birthdays tend to be reflections of our lives; are we where we thought we should be by this particular time? For me, I was devestated. I am a 29 year old single mom of three beautiful babies...starving for direction on how to provide for them.

I understand that life could be worse, so if that is what you are thinking, I know it already. BUT, I am tired of being on the bottom. I want to be above water for a while.

Please don't get me wrong here...everything I have been writting is true. God has been providing for us and leading us down this rocky path. However, right now I just want to see a little bit furthur than the tips of my toes.

I started my job last week and it is great. I get my first paycheck this friday and it is already spent. I barely sleep at night because my mind doesn't stop rolling about how to move forward.

Last wednesday I raced to Atlanta thinking I was going to be on time. I was late. I parked 5 blocks from the building and ran shoeless down Spring Street. I got there just in time - in time to hear my ex-husbands bankruptcy attorney say that he is free and clear of any and all responsibility in the foreclosure of our home. Yes, a run down...it is all on me now. I am scared to death. I am trying so hard to do the right thing. I am trying to pay off all my debt and stand tall by not filing bankruptcy.

But here I am terrefied that I might not have any other choice. And if I don't file then I face foreclosure and a possible law suit from the mortgage company. And if they don't come after me right away for the money, it could be anytime in the next few years.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to take care of my kids.
I dream of a future that consists of me not depending on anyone for anything. I want my parents to be able to enjoy being grandparents...that isn't happening right now. (that will be another post.)

I do love my job, I do. For most people they go to work thinking about needing a break - my job IS my break. I don't have to think about anything that I have to do, I can focus on helping families say goodbye to their loved ones. That is my focus from 9-4.

I am tired, frustrated, sad and extremely lonely. I fear that I traded one lonely life for another.

God what is your plan for me...I can't do this alone. I can't spend my life crying myself to sleep and scraping the concealer to hide the puffy eyes. I know you came to give me life abundantly, when does it start? Where does it start? How do I get there?

I can't, You can - PLEASE DO!!!