I am sitting at home, sick. But I am not sick at heart.

My parents have all three kids out tonight at the park...I have been given time to reflect.

I am new to this idea of blogging, but I am going to do my very best.

I have been approached by several friends who have asked that I put down on paper, well web, all that I have gone through...as encouragment to others. I pray that this blog is in no way a pat on my back for where I am now, but a praise to 'the God of my life'...El Chaiyai. My God, my friend, my ever constant guide. There have been days when I have been on my knees questioning my very exsistance, but here I am, in the valley...praising Jesus Christ for being my Rock.

One certainty...we have never been promised a life of luxury, a life of greatness (as the world would catagorize) nor have we been promised all that our hearts desire. Our hearts long for things of the world...when we give our lives completely to Him...our hearts pant for His hearts desires...and eventually they become so intertwined that we can't remember where He begins and we end. He is the beginning of all beginnings!!

I won't lie. I still cry myself to sleep. I still dream of a life full of love...love from a man that would hold me and cherish me and desire me the way a godly man would. I pray that one day I get that 'fairy-tale'...that desire of my heart. I have seen the ugly side of marriage. I still whole-heartedly believe in marriage. I always will. God has been so gracious to put me in the path of some beautiful unions...the way it should be.

My parents. My brother Josh, and his beautiful wife, Sandi. Shelley and Josh. Erin and John. Martha and Ed. Hugh and Marylynn. Hal and Sheila.

I could go on and on, but they are marriages that have been tested and perservered. These are examples of relationships that have been put on the spot. Some have tasted the bitterness of death, the destruction of divorce, the hatred of sickness...these couples are strong...are true examples of faith.

I pray that God brings my way a god fearing man that has tasted the enemies arrows. Yes, a man that has felt pain and bitterness. What are we if we have not been in the valley? Who are we if we aren't honest to the pain of living? We, as christians, are no greater than He...and He was the strongest in the lowest valley.

At some point I will detail the desires of my heart...but for now, this is where I am. Grateful for life, my life. I can honestly say that. I am torn, for I am broken...but, oh, the glory that comes from being put back together! I am promised that I will be used by Him...and what greater plan is there? Being used by my Creator!