Affirmation...from God

Tonight, I let it go. I cried harder than I have cried in so very long. It hurt, I felt like I was going to throw up, but I kept crying.
My eyes still burn from all the tears.
I understand why I feel so distant from the Lord, why I feel so distant from everyone. I am terrefied of love. Earthly love is so fleeting and I have felt it come and go. It has left the mark on my mind and heart and I cannot forget that pain. If I devote my whole life to something, it will just hurt in the end, right? I am not so sure.
For example...I know my mother loves me. I know she would give everything for me. I never knew how much she loved me til I had children, but I have felt the focus of that love in the last several months...especially the last several days. It isn't because her love grew...it is because the walls I have built up are beginning to come down.
In my heart, I believe that everyone is going to hurt me...so I better hurt them first. I believe that everyone is going to leave me...so I better leave them. That grew even greater with my marriage.
Am I loveable? Am I lovely? Am I truly what the Bible says? Am I really 'fearfully and wonderfully made"? I AM!
How do I make my heart and mind agree on this truth?
I can literally feel myself fighting. I want to believe it all but the fear within me is so great that I hold back.
I don't want to hold back...I want to taste it all. I want to know all the truth God has for me. I have to let go! I just don't know how.
I don't know how to be free of this pain, of this sorrow, of this constant fear of rejection. I want to know that I am beautiful, that I am cherished, that I am lovely and that I TRULY am a princess in the Kingdom of God! I know this all in my head but in my heart, I cry. In my heart, I ache so greatly because I just don't believe it.
Tonight at a bible study, with my mom, we were asked to hold our hand over our hearts to allow the Holy Spirit to paint His love over us...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I don't know why...I just didn't work. My hand felt so very heavy. A dear and beautiful lady came over and held my hand for me. I felt weak. All of a sudden I felt a rush of peace and fright all at the same time.
When I walked into that room tonight, I was afraid...I have never felt so much of God in one room. I was afraid to be there. I didn't feel worthy to be in that room. That was the fear in me. That was not God. God wanted me there...He wanted to remind me that I am wonderful and beautiful in His eyes. That I am who He created me to be. That all of this insanity is worth it. That His plan is greater than mine ever could be.
I want to hold on...I am going to let go...that is the only way to hold on - LET GO!