I am stepping out believing that this is the very road that God has paved for me to walk. Many years ago I read a quote, "The path of life is sometimes rocky, but God always give us the right shoes to travel". That isn't a direct quote but it is close...and it is VERY true.
One thing I know for sure is that I was never guranteed a life of luxery or ease. Sometimes that is hard for me to swallow...in fact, last night I prayed and cried myself to sleep. I am a person that likes control, and yet, my God wants and needs to be in control. I struggle with myself over this very issue, daily.
Monday night, at a my favorite bible study, we discussed this topic with passion. We all are born sinners and our flesh (mind) finds pleasure in sin...we are all born selfish. Once we accept Christ as our Saviour, He creates in us new life and we are a new creature. Our spirit is alive because the Holy Spirit lives within us...however, that Spirit dwells in our fleshly bodies. My mind still works and still remembers the pleasures of sin, being selfish and devoting my days to sole happiness.
In Romans, Paul describes this battle in a very personal way...A man so very close to God struggled as I do! His openness isn't meant to be discouraging but insight to the reality of being a Saint in the family of Christ! We will forever struggle with sin...but as this battle continues and we daily focus on the path that God paved, we begin to sin less and less. "Love God, do as you please." -St. Francis of Asissy-
This sums it all up...when we truly, from the depths of our soul, love God as He deserves, then we will do as we please, because our pleasure will be for His glory!
This is only what I long for...it isn't where I am. I struggle, daily...I cry, I scream, I throw fits just like my 4 year old. I want to be where I thought I would be at 29!...but, I am not..I am where He wants me...and if that means I am to sit in the fire and wait, I will wait...and when I cry out, I know He is there! He is always there...He is always here!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Noah's Ark with Grammie
This is so beautiful!!!
Grammie and Pizzle just taking in the view!
Me and the Llamas...
yes, we were this close to the deer...Mommy and baby deer.
Caba didn't want to be in the picture but I did love having it made with Harleigh and JP..though they didn't look too happy either!
Mommy and Caba eatin' CFA
This was an Albino Python...AAAHHH...he was VERY huge...but very pretty!
This is 'Evidence' the baby Zebra. She was found on I75 and had been hit by a car...Caba is amazed!
My baby girl...well, she isn't so baby, but she is in a stroller! DIVA already
This Leopard was stunning!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Field Day at Rock Ranch!!!
Us posing with 'MooDonna' the mini oreo cow!
I love my momma!
Every donkey has a cross on it's back! Isn't it beautiful that this is the animal that Christ rode on before He was crucified!?!?! Not a coincidence....I am curious to know wether this was there before Christ rode the donkey or if it was after....
This is one of my favorite pictures...I love my princess!
True love after nearly 33 years! Thank you, Jesus!
Headed into Rock Ranch...ready for a GREAT day!!
A rare occasion but still beautiful!!!
Us in the mountains!!!
Every donkey has a cross on it's back! Isn't it beautiful that this is the animal that Christ rode on before He was crucified!?!?! Not a coincidence....I am curious to know wether this was there before Christ rode the donkey or if it was after....
This is one of my favorite pictures...I love my princess!
True love after nearly 33 years! Thank you, Jesus!
Headed into Rock Ranch...ready for a GREAT day!!
A rare occasion but still beautiful!!!
Us in the mountains!!!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Swim lesson graduation!!!
They are so proud...AND THEY SHOULD BE!!!!
LOOK AT THAT GIRL GO! those legs get her far!
CABA is touching the bottom!!! YEAH!
I am SO very proud of them! They are amazing and so brave! I absolutely LOVE being their mom...the greatest gift I could ever receive...Thank you, Jesus!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Rooms...
The bunk beds that I paid CASH for!! YEAH! They are worth every penny spent!
This is my room...it was the room i grew up in, so it is weird being back...but I am so blessed to have a home!
This shelf came from our old house. It was in Harleigh's room and she was SO excited to have it here. I surprised her with it. She signed one of the shelves so, honestly, it was the only thing I wanted from my house! I am happy!!!
The waiting game....
To be auctioned or not to be auctioned - that is the question.
After putting my house on the market in January, it is scheduled to be sold to the highest bidder on August 5th.
Less than 24 hours after putting it on the market, I had my first inquiry. It only took a couple of weeks to get the first 2 offers. I ended with a total of 3 offers but my second mortgage company, Wachovia, did not want to sell. I did everything they asked of me - filed a hardship letter, financial affidavits, applied for a short-sale and they denied it all. I couldn't afford to pay them anything - so, here I wait.
After putting my house on the market in January, it is scheduled to be sold to the highest bidder on August 5th.
Less than 24 hours after putting it on the market, I had my first inquiry. It only took a couple of weeks to get the first 2 offers. I ended with a total of 3 offers but my second mortgage company, Wachovia, did not want to sell. I did everything they asked of me - filed a hardship letter, financial affidavits, applied for a short-sale and they denied it all. I couldn't afford to pay them anything - so, here I wait.
Monday, July 14, 2008
He will be my husband...
I have a continual dream...to be loved, to find and hold onto my 'soul mate'. yes, I do believe in it. My marriage did not turn me away from love, from holding and being held by my true love. It is so deep, this burning inside my soul to be the helpmate of the one God has already chosen for me.
I don't just want to be married for me, but for my children as well. I desire for them to know what a marriage should be, a true example of how God intended it. It is real, I know it.
I know, I know...I was just recently divorced...that doesn't stop my heart from believing - from knowing the direction God is moving me.
There are some specifics that I am praying to be found in 'him', but those will remain secret - between myself and my God. He knows my heart, He gave me those desires. They are real and valid. I have been on several dates and most of them just aren't even close...
One thing I know for sure is that I can't search for 'him'...God will bring my prince to me. I say 'prince' because I know I am a princess in the kingdom of God and he must be a prince - and of course, yes, as well as my 'knight in shining armour'! I am a 'hopeful romantic' as a friend of mine puts it! Hoping in the reality that exists but patiently waiting on my God to provide. He will when we are both ready to meet each other. I look forward, with my whole heart, to understanding how amazing 'true love' endures, how it explodes from within and builds from the beginning.
To sum it up...I believe in love, in true love that raptures the soul, that wakens all senses and will birth butterflies to the end of time. It will happen...
I don't just want to be married for me, but for my children as well. I desire for them to know what a marriage should be, a true example of how God intended it. It is real, I know it.
I know, I know...I was just recently divorced...that doesn't stop my heart from believing - from knowing the direction God is moving me.
There are some specifics that I am praying to be found in 'him', but those will remain secret - between myself and my God. He knows my heart, He gave me those desires. They are real and valid. I have been on several dates and most of them just aren't even close...
One thing I know for sure is that I can't search for 'him'...God will bring my prince to me. I say 'prince' because I know I am a princess in the kingdom of God and he must be a prince - and of course, yes, as well as my 'knight in shining armour'! I am a 'hopeful romantic' as a friend of mine puts it! Hoping in the reality that exists but patiently waiting on my God to provide. He will when we are both ready to meet each other. I look forward, with my whole heart, to understanding how amazing 'true love' endures, how it explodes from within and builds from the beginning.
To sum it up...I believe in love, in true love that raptures the soul, that wakens all senses and will birth butterflies to the end of time. It will happen...
Tat
Well...I have been contemplating it for a VERY long time and have finally decided on getting a tattoo.
Since it is forever, I wanted something that has a forever meaning and would be a reminder of my life - that I am a constant work of art by God. He never gives up on me and will never stop perfecting me til the day He returns.
I was doing my 'alone' time with God the other night, and it was really late. I was reading about His names, His attributes and of His never ending faithfullness. I read Psalm 42:8 and it melted my heart.
" The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime And His song will be with me in he night, A prayer to the God of my life."
El Chaiyai - The God of my life. He is and will forever be my eternal God...my salvation...my Redeemer...my husband...my lover...my friend...MY LIFE!
I want to tattoo "El Chaiyai" on the inside of my wrist.
I am not sure when I am going to do this...but it will be done.
In a life full of incertainties...He is my constant. I want to have that written on me so I never forget that wether it be in the 'daytime' or the 'night', He is the God of my life!!!
Since it is forever, I wanted something that has a forever meaning and would be a reminder of my life - that I am a constant work of art by God. He never gives up on me and will never stop perfecting me til the day He returns.
I was doing my 'alone' time with God the other night, and it was really late. I was reading about His names, His attributes and of His never ending faithfullness. I read Psalm 42:8 and it melted my heart.
" The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime And His song will be with me in he night, A prayer to the God of my life."
El Chaiyai - The God of my life. He is and will forever be my eternal God...my salvation...my Redeemer...my husband...my lover...my friend...MY LIFE!
I want to tattoo "El Chaiyai" on the inside of my wrist.
I am not sure when I am going to do this...but it will be done.
In a life full of incertainties...He is my constant. I want to have that written on me so I never forget that wether it be in the 'daytime' or the 'night', He is the God of my life!!!
More of my family
My brothers and I...moving day!
Mommy and Caba - this is one of my favorites
could this be any more beautiful! Shows their personalities!!
I love you Philip!
My sweet little family - all in green
The continued miracle...
It was a few days later...still rationing food and still hungry. I believed that God had a plan, but I was beginning to wonder if this was one of those '1 day is like a 1000 to the Lord' moments.
The phone rang, logically, I picked it up. A sweet voice was on the other line and asked if I wanted lunch. I told her that I was fine; I couldn't let on that I wasn't doing well. Silly me, she knew. She said that she was coming by and wanted to bring lunch. Her and a few other ladies were going out and wanted to eat with me. I closed my eyes and said I would love it if they came over.
She said it would be about and hour. I jumped up and began to clean. I scrubbed everything I could in an hour and still made sure I got a shower and looked nice.
An hour passed and the door bell rang. I opened it and nearly fell. Three of my friends were standing there with BAGS of groceries! This was lunch! I couldn't handle it! God DID have a plan. Was I seriously surprised? Yes...that is my lack of faith. I stepped out and didn't spend that $100 but didn't know how he was going to give us enough food.
I had NEVER seen my pantry so full. I think they made 4 trips to the car. 3 ladies, 4 trips - A LOT OF FOOD! My kids were napping and so they didn't actually witness the miracle but I couldn't wait to show them when they got up.
They did bring lunch...we sat and ate Zaxby's. Most certainly one of the best lunches of my life. I wish I could tell them how they changed my heart by listening to God. They didn't know that I was without. They didn't know that we were so hungry that it hurt. They didn't know - but following God doesn't leave room for intelligence. It is just faith! Bottom line - He will provide. He does care. He created us and He will never leave. But we have to need Him. We have to be willing to get low - to sit in the bottom of our barrel. He made that barrel, too. Don't doubt Him. Don't walk away from Him. He will make beauty of our mess...ALWAYS!
The phone rang, logically, I picked it up. A sweet voice was on the other line and asked if I wanted lunch. I told her that I was fine; I couldn't let on that I wasn't doing well. Silly me, she knew. She said that she was coming by and wanted to bring lunch. Her and a few other ladies were going out and wanted to eat with me. I closed my eyes and said I would love it if they came over.
She said it would be about and hour. I jumped up and began to clean. I scrubbed everything I could in an hour and still made sure I got a shower and looked nice.
An hour passed and the door bell rang. I opened it and nearly fell. Three of my friends were standing there with BAGS of groceries! This was lunch! I couldn't handle it! God DID have a plan. Was I seriously surprised? Yes...that is my lack of faith. I stepped out and didn't spend that $100 but didn't know how he was going to give us enough food.
I had NEVER seen my pantry so full. I think they made 4 trips to the car. 3 ladies, 4 trips - A LOT OF FOOD! My kids were napping and so they didn't actually witness the miracle but I couldn't wait to show them when they got up.
They did bring lunch...we sat and ate Zaxby's. Most certainly one of the best lunches of my life. I wish I could tell them how they changed my heart by listening to God. They didn't know that I was without. They didn't know that we were so hungry that it hurt. They didn't know - but following God doesn't leave room for intelligence. It is just faith! Bottom line - He will provide. He does care. He created us and He will never leave. But we have to need Him. We have to be willing to get low - to sit in the bottom of our barrel. He made that barrel, too. Don't doubt Him. Don't walk away from Him. He will make beauty of our mess...ALWAYS!
Another miracle
Believe me, hunger pains truly are painful!
Last November, I needed help. It had been 2 days since I had eaten anything and the kids were beginning to wonder why their food was being rationed. I never thought I would be at this place...this place of poverty.
I was too proud to call anyone - too proud to admit that I needed help. I still had not been able to get a job. Childcare was going to cost at least $1200 a month. I hadn't worked in nearly 5 years, how was I to obtain a job that paid enough for our mortgage, utilities, gas AND childcare?? I couldn't...it wasn't out there. I began to wonder how we were going to make it.
I finally picked up the phone to call my SS teacher - after another friend said I had to let go and call!
She picked up the phone and I immediately began to cry. I told her that we were hungry and we didn't have any money and didn't know what to do. She said she would figure something out. I knew she couldn't just come over here and buy us a pantry of groceries, but I believed her!
I piled us all in the car and we went to my mom's work so we could eat. It was the best food ever! We ate and felt much better. The kids were so thrilled to have as much food as they wanted and to see their Grammie! My mom didn't know that we were without...I couldn't tell her. She would worry - and with the divorce in progress, she was already worrying.
Later that afternoon my SS teacher showed up at the door and just placed something in my hand. I could tell it was money but didn't look to see how much. I just cried and hugged her. She smiled, told me who it was from and left.
I closed the door and opened my hand. I just put my face in my lap and cried more. It was $100!!! I could get SO much at the store with $100!
Only, that isn't what the Lord told me to do with it.
I sat there and prayed. He said that I need to hold on to it and buy Christmas for my children with it. I didn't understand. We didn't have anything to eat at the house, why buy presents?
I obeyed - I will detail the next miracle in another blog but for now, I was blown away by not only the love of my friends, but the ever present presence of Jesus Christ! He is ALWAYS watching and ALWAYS listening!
Last November, I needed help. It had been 2 days since I had eaten anything and the kids were beginning to wonder why their food was being rationed. I never thought I would be at this place...this place of poverty.
I was too proud to call anyone - too proud to admit that I needed help. I still had not been able to get a job. Childcare was going to cost at least $1200 a month. I hadn't worked in nearly 5 years, how was I to obtain a job that paid enough for our mortgage, utilities, gas AND childcare?? I couldn't...it wasn't out there. I began to wonder how we were going to make it.
I finally picked up the phone to call my SS teacher - after another friend said I had to let go and call!
She picked up the phone and I immediately began to cry. I told her that we were hungry and we didn't have any money and didn't know what to do. She said she would figure something out. I knew she couldn't just come over here and buy us a pantry of groceries, but I believed her!
I piled us all in the car and we went to my mom's work so we could eat. It was the best food ever! We ate and felt much better. The kids were so thrilled to have as much food as they wanted and to see their Grammie! My mom didn't know that we were without...I couldn't tell her. She would worry - and with the divorce in progress, she was already worrying.
Later that afternoon my SS teacher showed up at the door and just placed something in my hand. I could tell it was money but didn't look to see how much. I just cried and hugged her. She smiled, told me who it was from and left.
I closed the door and opened my hand. I just put my face in my lap and cried more. It was $100!!! I could get SO much at the store with $100!
Only, that isn't what the Lord told me to do with it.
I sat there and prayed. He said that I need to hold on to it and buy Christmas for my children with it. I didn't understand. We didn't have anything to eat at the house, why buy presents?
I obeyed - I will detail the next miracle in another blog but for now, I was blown away by not only the love of my friends, but the ever present presence of Jesus Christ! He is ALWAYS watching and ALWAYS listening!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Harleigh's teeth...
As I gave the dentist office ALL my money, I walked out with the joy that I paid with cash and that I have to again begin saving for Harleigh's next visit in January. Not to mention that I was advised to begin saving for braces...yep...at 5 years old, they can already tell that she will need braces. She has a small mouth, obviously not a trait she inheritated from her mother...and her teeth are crowded.
Speaking of those pretty pearls...she lost her first tooth this past week. I got to play 'Tooth Fairy". As I was so sweety reminded, "mommy, the tooth fairy is a tiny mouse". I winked and giggled....I wish I was tiny. =) and some times I squeak, but it depends on my shoes. It was A LOT of fun leaving her $2 under her pillow. So stinkin' cute when she boundd down the stairs with money in hand....which was after she was mad because she couldn't find it and thought I didn't call the tiny mouse in time. After losing it several times due to her curious little brothers, she has placed that money in a very safe place!
So, my cash envelopes have expanded. I now have them set aside for things such as a place of our own, first plane ride to the moon, boob job, braces and of course to own my own Kroger one day...don't you think groceries would be cheaper?
Speaking of those pretty pearls...she lost her first tooth this past week. I got to play 'Tooth Fairy". As I was so sweety reminded, "mommy, the tooth fairy is a tiny mouse". I winked and giggled....I wish I was tiny. =) and some times I squeak, but it depends on my shoes. It was A LOT of fun leaving her $2 under her pillow. So stinkin' cute when she boundd down the stairs with money in hand....which was after she was mad because she couldn't find it and thought I didn't call the tiny mouse in time. After losing it several times due to her curious little brothers, she has placed that money in a very safe place!
So, my cash envelopes have expanded. I now have them set aside for things such as a place of our own, first plane ride to the moon, boob job, braces and of course to own my own Kroger one day...don't you think groceries would be cheaper?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
More pictures by Timothy Mills
Affirmation...from God
Tonight, I let it go. I cried harder than I have cried in so very long. It hurt, I felt like I was going to throw up, but I kept crying.
My eyes still burn from all the tears.
I understand why I feel so distant from the Lord, why I feel so distant from everyone. I am terrefied of love. Earthly love is so fleeting and I have felt it come and go. It has left the mark on my mind and heart and I cannot forget that pain. If I devote my whole life to something, it will just hurt in the end, right? I am not so sure.
For example...I know my mother loves me. I know she would give everything for me. I never knew how much she loved me til I had children, but I have felt the focus of that love in the last several months...especially the last several days. It isn't because her love grew...it is because the walls I have built up are beginning to come down.
In my heart, I believe that everyone is going to hurt me...so I better hurt them first. I believe that everyone is going to leave me...so I better leave them. That grew even greater with my marriage.
Am I loveable? Am I lovely? Am I truly what the Bible says? Am I really 'fearfully and wonderfully made"? I AM!
How do I make my heart and mind agree on this truth?
I can literally feel myself fighting. I want to believe it all but the fear within me is so great that I hold back.
I don't want to hold back...I want to taste it all. I want to know all the truth God has for me. I have to let go! I just don't know how.
I don't know how to be free of this pain, of this sorrow, of this constant fear of rejection. I want to know that I am beautiful, that I am cherished, that I am lovely and that I TRULY am a princess in the Kingdom of God! I know this all in my head but in my heart, I cry. In my heart, I ache so greatly because I just don't believe it.
Tonight at a bible study, with my mom, we were asked to hold our hand over our hearts to allow the Holy Spirit to paint His love over us...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I don't know why...I just didn't work. My hand felt so very heavy. A dear and beautiful lady came over and held my hand for me. I felt weak. All of a sudden I felt a rush of peace and fright all at the same time.
When I walked into that room tonight, I was afraid...I have never felt so much of God in one room. I was afraid to be there. I didn't feel worthy to be in that room. That was the fear in me. That was not God. God wanted me there...He wanted to remind me that I am wonderful and beautiful in His eyes. That I am who He created me to be. That all of this insanity is worth it. That His plan is greater than mine ever could be.
I want to hold on...I am going to let go...that is the only way to hold on - LET GO!
My eyes still burn from all the tears.
I understand why I feel so distant from the Lord, why I feel so distant from everyone. I am terrefied of love. Earthly love is so fleeting and I have felt it come and go. It has left the mark on my mind and heart and I cannot forget that pain. If I devote my whole life to something, it will just hurt in the end, right? I am not so sure.
For example...I know my mother loves me. I know she would give everything for me. I never knew how much she loved me til I had children, but I have felt the focus of that love in the last several months...especially the last several days. It isn't because her love grew...it is because the walls I have built up are beginning to come down.
In my heart, I believe that everyone is going to hurt me...so I better hurt them first. I believe that everyone is going to leave me...so I better leave them. That grew even greater with my marriage.
Am I loveable? Am I lovely? Am I truly what the Bible says? Am I really 'fearfully and wonderfully made"? I AM!
How do I make my heart and mind agree on this truth?
I can literally feel myself fighting. I want to believe it all but the fear within me is so great that I hold back.
I don't want to hold back...I want to taste it all. I want to know all the truth God has for me. I have to let go! I just don't know how.
I don't know how to be free of this pain, of this sorrow, of this constant fear of rejection. I want to know that I am beautiful, that I am cherished, that I am lovely and that I TRULY am a princess in the Kingdom of God! I know this all in my head but in my heart, I cry. In my heart, I ache so greatly because I just don't believe it.
Tonight at a bible study, with my mom, we were asked to hold our hand over our hearts to allow the Holy Spirit to paint His love over us...I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I don't know why...I just didn't work. My hand felt so very heavy. A dear and beautiful lady came over and held my hand for me. I felt weak. All of a sudden I felt a rush of peace and fright all at the same time.
When I walked into that room tonight, I was afraid...I have never felt so much of God in one room. I was afraid to be there. I didn't feel worthy to be in that room. That was the fear in me. That was not God. God wanted me there...He wanted to remind me that I am wonderful and beautiful in His eyes. That I am who He created me to be. That all of this insanity is worth it. That His plan is greater than mine ever could be.
I want to hold on...I am going to let go...that is the only way to hold on - LET GO!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Swim Lessons....very cool!
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