Innocence...

Truly innocent...they had no choice. They didn't wake up one morning and wish for this. What child wants their parents to live in separate homes? What child dreams of divided love? Sure, more presents at birthdays and Christmas because everyone feels sorry for them, but really, not a genuine 'hope'.

I look into their eyes and my heart literally breaks. I can almost hear their minds asking, 'why, mom, why?'. To see the confusion on their faces is utterly gut-wrenching. I have sat and wept at night after putting them to bed, just wondering how to gain the words to explain to them that this is not their fault. They each have ways of expressing or not expressing their anger...Harleigh closes up, she doesn't like to talk about it much, but every now and then she asks questions. All I want to do is hold her and cry, but I have to be strong. Caleb is very vocal about wanting things to be the way they were. Sadly, he doesn't remember just how things were at that house. I am thankful that he speaks about wanting to go back there and talks about missing his dad. They love their dad, and they should, he loves them. Every child needs their father, every child. JP (or Joshua Philip, depending on the day) is just angry. He is only 2. Too young to remember life with a complete home, too young to understand. He is a very normal two year old, but is a bit angrier. The constant back and forth, phone calls every night...it reminds them over and over that things are different. Not the way God had intended.

Even for a six year old, a four year old and a two year old, they know...it should have been different, it should be different.

Oh, God, they are so precious to me, my heart hurts. I wish I could scoop them up and just never let them go, that I could wipe away all their pain with just a kiss and a book. But, sadly, I can't....gloriously, He can and will!

Daily I have to remind myself that I am not alone, I don't walk silently in despair...He knows just where my feet will land and He already prepared the ground to hold me up. I not only have to remember this truth for my heart, but I beg God for the words to help these little hearts hold on. I find myself crying as I write this...I close my eyes and picture Christ holding each of them, just rocking back and forth, whispering in their ears..."You are mine, I made you, and I knew this would happen...you are mine, hold on to me, dear one". He just sits and has one arm wrapped tightly around their waist and the other hand holding their head close to his heart...listen to it beat...it beats for you, Harleigh; it beats for you, Caleb; it beats for you, Joshua Philip...it beats for you, Abby. God heal my heart, heal their hearts, prepare them for the day they see and understand your plan...YOUR plan, so much greater than ours, so much more beautiful! In the depths of despair, You are glorious...you make beauty out of our ashes and shine brighter than the Christmas star...you made it all, just for them, just for us.

Dear, God...give them peace, this Christmas, let them know this is all for you, because of you! My Christmas wish...for them to have the most wonderful Christmas ever! Thank you for my children, for their lives, give me grace to protect them and raise them as you would...since they are yours, your beautifully splendid creation!